BeeChiYka

Hapee Neww Yrrr 2012

2012-01-03T02:07:00.002+08:00

Happee Neww Yearrr!! May this year be the most awesomely fabulous one and more to come... More funNEss Amin!!

I just got back from the trip to KK with the DEC clans n my beloved.. we had the ol great times so much..

Been listening to Bella Luna on repeat for the past 2days.. i guess i just want to be reminded of the particular feeling when it used to be the Bella Luna... sigh* n i intend to be again...

I just wish to find myself this year... dont want to be grounded anymore... i need to stop evolving around the world where i don't realy matter n where i don't realy belong... my world used to be filled with laughter and full of colours with the tribal drums playing on background... being spontaneous and just carefree.. i refuse to be i constant depressing situations n just live my life as how i shud be living it...

i want to see ol frens more often n be free of doubts.... be more optimistic!!

The trip at KK gave me the taste of how it used to be.. how i used to be well not entirely but just a bit of the essence... n i was reminded how much i was fun n how it was... i really missed it so much!

So this year insyallah... we'll see where i am heading... hope ol is great n fabulous Amin!!

A day to shift

2011-12-11T17:07:00.002+08:00

Today... i awoke feeling light... last nite was the storm.. yesterday was the war... but today... i dance under the rain on my feet touched the ground with my hands up high, praising the mighty lord for this conscience that hits every now and then...

Just like a sweet song that serenades me, it gives a meaning like its my own...

I know that i carry around a big sack of regrets around my shoulder, it is more heavier by the years coz i keep on filling it in with more weighs of blame, shame and never-ending disappointments deep within my soul... its fatal!

I let myself justify every single bit of insanity that doesn't need to be doubted nor acknowledged... but i wanted it... i needed it to keep myself occupied coz i cudn't stand the boredom that kills.... just being normal is never been what i intended to become...

This voice that appears, gives conscience and words of wisdom... but never ending challenges when u live with a big bomb of constant disappointment and no understanding... so forgive me for being off momentum every now and then...

for now.. m shifting the day... m shifting within... m shufflin :)

I chose Broken

2011-12-10T12:27:00.001+08:00

Its ironic how i like so many things but i end up with ol d wrong things.. No matter how persuaded or assured i'd still get d wrong ones just bcoz it looked interesting from a perspective... So yes i chose 'broken' instead.. Bought it... N now i hf2 live with it!!!!

Thers no1 else to blame other than myself.. M i happy? No!! But m content with wat i chose.. I jst gotta sux it up n held my head high... It's horrible! I feel so much suffering.. Bearable but it hurts all d tym...

Yes perhaps we ol can just laugh at it now.. Ironically how wat i did changed d course of others lives.. Wher they found themselves lucky to hf found their significance instead n mnaged to sing songs of joy together n karma hits me bad in return..

I miss u.. I miss u.. Ur my gravity.. Never in a day i go without thinkin of u.. I know it ur doin fine.. I know ur doin great in fact.. I applaud u for ur courage n strength.. I hf no doubt dat u'll shine n do grand... But know dat i miss u.. I miss u so much.. My regrets was not able to hold on to u.. Coz i was ryt bfore n she was ryt too.... I'll nver find any1 else who cud replace u~

Gravity~

2011-12-08T21:33:00.002+08:00

Gravity~

I love this song... it reminds me so much of the once upon a tym... it tells the story so much.... yes something always bring me back to you...

Missing those days, when our system is filled with the love hormones... it feels just like a fantasy when everything feels so ryt n so wrong at the same time... undeniable, couldn't even explain it... it just feel so strong.... n i missed it so much...

Less Dramatic

2011-12-08T18:09:00.002+08:00

I've been wondering where did the charisma go? i felt that writing with expression is one of my difficulties when in fact it was one of my strength before.... so what happened?

As i was driving alone with the stereo on... singing along to my ol fave tracks... i was making myself act along the song, to elaborate and demonstrate the meaning of the song just to be silly again... n it hit me... the reason why there's no charisma left, nor enthusiasm in my life now is because, everything has become normal and well i 'BORING'... just like what FidoDido famous quote "Normal is Boring!"

When life lacks its dramatic ambiance it also looses its essence, its like a recipe with no seasoning... there's something, edible yes... but just plain bland~

The voice that couldn't be heard, the thoughts that were not presented but just kept inside unknown....

Its always been the same story, the same thing everyday, no spice, no music, no aroma... and eventually you get use to it... silence.... just feeling content with urself... letting it all become just THAT and accepting that yes this is it... JUST FINE!!

Maybe someday, maybe just someday... i'll find my groove back... my voice back, my schweng back.. for now... M JUST FINE! tududududu~

AAaahhh its December

2011-12-04T21:04:00.000+08:00

Its December 2011 can you believe it!

Exam is done and its almost the end of the year and yes its my bday soon as well hehehe....

Am i excited? well kinda, not the fact that i'm getting older but just the fact that its going to be a new year again... and also knowing that i've been here for quiet sometime now...

Hmm... m called for dinner... ayt gotta go then... to be elaborate further later on... :)

Have a KitKat

2011-11-12T21:44:00.003+08:00

Have a Break, Have a kitKAt! hehe

I needed the break somehow...its SatNyt and here i am on my bed, with my laptop listening to 'Aria' bach while the neighbor next door is having a blast with their party music... 'THERE'S A PARTY!!' n i am sadly not invited.... hmmm... hehehe

I just had this thought while tryna figure out how to finish my many skulwork just now... 'Wow things have changed so much that, somehow here i am on a SatNyt with my skulWork and ther's a party next door n i am not even invited... n all i hear is youngsters screaming having a great time it seems.... hahaha... my god... i have never been so assured that 'THAT Ship has definitely sailed'.... haahhaha

N another assurance of how i've changed so far... i am in bed... listening to 'Aria-Bach' in an attempt to drown the blaring crazy loudness of the tempting dance music that (m not gonna deny it) does make my feet thumping to the beat... eurrghh!! i Miss it so much!!

MY god! the beat makes me wanna go dance in circles aaahh.. those were the days... damnitz... hahha... owell!!

Now i just needed to focus on studies.. yes... i needed to accept the fact that... i have entered adulthood n left irresponsible playful era of my life... n I've transit to this, well quite dull lonesome environment....but this is life's necessary cycle... once i get thru this... i'll party hard in an adult way hahaha... which is much more gratifying coz seriously... i can do whatever i wanna do but in a serious responsible way... hahaha doesn't really sound that fun hahha... well that's a fact!

On a different matter.... hmm... nothing much... other than.. i've only got 2 trustful fren in skul but seems like he's on the verge of giving up on skul... which kinda gets me down mood.... well... its really challenging when u don't have any frens in skul.. u need them for reference n ol... as well as to be in a team.. or else seriously ur LOST!

Owell... no matter.... if this is the circumstances... then i'll just have to work with whatever i got.... which is myself, my optimism, my talent, my brain, my self-confidence and my time... insyallah... i'll cu ol at the finish line... definitely with flying colours... amin!!

Ayt need to go crack my head with the books now... first with a fag! hehhe

Jagged Lil Pill

2011-09-30T17:20:00.002+08:00

You live you learn

You love you learn

You cry you learn

You lose you learn

You bleed you learn

You scream you learn

Darn it... my headache is killing me man... seriously makes me wonder... what the fuck is wrong wif me...

Simply:

Everything is not right

when u'r not feeling Alryt!

I still got 2 test for tomorrow

n what do i do within this 2days?

Revise? Revise? Revise?

No... instead i am constantly

Fucking Sulking... Sux jua tu...

N the worse part of it all...

i can't seem to find a way to get out of it..

Cana tah tu?

i dno what can shift my mind out of it

cnatah jua yg mbari stress ani orang!!

Knapakn susah sangat just to

give moral support kah..

all i need is just attention bah dot!

Fuck!!

I mean whats d point of having someone

when he is useless at times of needs..

M tired... tired of being sooo

fucking frustrated and depressed

over this person who never

seem to get it...

this is fucking important to me bah!

Selfish!

All we ever do is what he wants to do

i've been living in his world

but he refuses to even enter mine

Why?

Coz he doesnt like my world

Perhaps its up to his standard

or more sincerely

He ain't comfortable in it

Well newsflash...

M not comfortable in a

dull, boring atmosphere anyways

but do i have a choice?

Give and take dude!

U know what.. m sick and tired

of being bothered bt this shit

seriously...

mcm ani th plg yg mbgi ku stress kan

ntah eyh...

Aaaarrghhh sasakku eyh!! m so fucking

ANNOYED!!

fine keep on ignoring me

Coz

M fucking ignoring u now!

Its the Sunday of ma Holiday

2011-09-25T16:54:00.002+08:00

Well here it comes, finally.. the end of my one week school holiday... so far how much did i benefit from the holiday.... well lets just say i made so much dreaamss... hahaha

tidorrghh ja dot!

And of cors the official heartbreak series that comes along every now and then... eurgh!!

So far... i've been resting... not much revising... unfortunately... n as usual... the hardcore headcracking starts tonite..... hahaha... kids don't try this at home :p

My head is filled with lots of unnecessary information i've collected.. and somehow i'm starting to remember things... and this is what mostly distracts me... annoying really... mcm apa... tidur pun ingatkan a scene from 'Catch me if u can!" aduuuh.... for what reason or why... i have no idea....

ryt now what i should be recalling is the lessons i learnt in classes... hmm... how how do i concentrate and bring that out on my head projector?

concentrate yen concentrate.... puuuuuuut~

I also find myself wondering alot.... hahah tell me something new... but this time its confusing... more like huh???!! like empty pondering... like i'm in a constant daze...

Seriously i am in need of desperate human interaction pronto... mesti mesti slalu ni... kepisan udah ni.... i haven't been socializing much n i am starting to behave like a zombie.... waaarrghh!! brainless zombie waaargghh!! who doesn't even know how to carry on decent conversation waaarrghh!! who doesn't know where zimbabwe is located waaarrghh... who doesn't even know how to spell peace ryt waarrghh!! such a moron!

I got myself a new glasses... heheh it has its vintage classy look as how i like it... yellow tetro flowery pattern... definitely chic hehehe... love love it!!

I've been having double visions lately, especially in class.. its annoying really... but apparently my sight is still perfectly fine heheh alhamdulillah :)

Anyways... Its Sunday... n tomorrow back to school... m kinda excited somehow n nervous at the same time.... but confident sja tah yen ahh wawawa.. hidup mesti confident yg terbaik... yes yes yes!!

Insyaallah... all is well :) amin~

Here it is Again

2011-08-29T20:55:00.002+08:00

Yes its almost the end of the month... hows it going so far yen?

Well first thing on my mind is school... its been hectic... its been on the go... its been a series of headache...

Ain't complaining... its just as usual... i expect to much of myself... which is owes a good thing... when u aim higher then when u fall.. it won't be too far down under... but when u have too high hopes u myt also drop down dead hard... ouch!

So far tryna cope up.. catch up n just get up everyday with a smile... sigh!

A good thing is my group is a collection of awesome bunch...

a few days ago i was troubled with a slight thought of being unlike... as usual i tend to draw this kind of bunch... girl haters... hahaha... somehow i get this vibe that some of them are not really fond of me... for some reason... unknown to me... how do i know? They prefer to engage on conversation with others but with me they are reluctant... hmm... am i really that repulsive? or perhaps the most true reality of it... we just can't connect and don't relate to anything... biasalah kan... m just different!

At some point it does get to me... i do feel left out... i do feel unwanted... and most of all i felt such an outcast... but yae.. i just needed to keep my cool and get myself together... its ok n its oryt... i don't them to like me.... others seem to be ok with my presence... there are just unavoidable acquaintances...

Other than that... the usual relationship dilemma that never fails to get me down under.. lowww.... i don't even wanna bother explaining abt it... its the usual theng... the usual heartaching rift.. the usual misunderstanding that never seems to get resolved... sudah lah biarkan saja... the only thing to do is just ignore and move on... keep on pretending like its ok... coz eventually we'll just be fine with that fact... s'ol gud!

It's almost raya again... the usual mix of emotions... mostly unpleasant one... oww... how i dread this... i hope it goes by swiftly as before... just let it go by me unnoticed... so it won't really be that bad!

I know most won't understand why.. because they don't really know how its like... but its just sad for me coz.. i miss my family.. i miss the part when we were always together... when we would all get together and celebrate this joyous festive month... where we would be glad that the moon has been sighted... and knowing its going to be Raya soon... i miss it... i miss it so much.... knowing that... i can't even call this home anymore coz we haven't been seen preparing the house for visitors... we are not seen cleaning up our front pavement nor be heard giggling and getting busy in the kitchen baking or cooking... its been years... n its been quiet... we ol just went by it... we went pass it... we just don't want to be reminded...

the funny thing is.. no matter where i go.. i can't escape from this terrible loneliness... i owes feel so alone... because.. i haven't found my sanctuary yet... i haven't found my soulmate yet... i haven't found my star back yet....

i hope it'll be soon... just out there whenever i look up.. its there... shining down on me... insyaallah! i wish i hope :)

A new Route

2011-08-20T23:33:00.002+08:00

i was on my way one morning... driving alone with the bruce lash 'Lithium' playing to get my mood up... it was a wonderful day to begin...

And as i approach the end of the junction where i usually turned left to head for Gadong area,this time i just drove ahead to the traffic light leaving Lambak Area which would then lead me to either going Muara or left to Jerudong...

Somehow it got me thinking... i was twitching abit... i was leaving my comfortzone to another unknown experience of my life....

I had just switched route :)

A month ago i was commuting daily to the other path that leads me to my work... and before that i was driving alone with my homemade Nutella Sandwich to Muara base for 2 months... and somehow now i was heading to another place... someplace new... someplace i've always wanted to be... somewhere i am back on track where my dreams are.... I made it back... slowly yet surely there... :)

Thinking about it... it wasn't so long ago i was dreading my fate... 5months beforehand, i was pretty much beaten up with my working experience and then my unemployment period really took a toll on my self-esteem... i was constantly wondering where am i heading... how's it gonna be for me?

Somehow here i am... singing along to the tune with the sunshine up above... another new day... the birds are still singing... the road are still busy with the traffic and life still goes on fine... whether u like it or not....

Of cors when we are faced with those challenges, it felt like everything is lost, nothing means anything anymore... the world is crumbling down... the sky just seems so gloomy everyday... depress depress depress...

But we fail to realize that, everyday is anew given chapter... everyday we can choose to live life better... let bygones be bygones and so on and so on.... just be patient... be hopeful, be fateful... believe that everything does happens for a reason... and that god is merciful...

It's ol good... so far... m just tryna workout my mind.... it needs to go on full swing... lots of catching up to do.... anyone who knew how to ride a bike will owes know how to ride, all they need to do is just get a bike n start cycling... :)

Ganbatte yen... Rakuten :)

Sleepyy

2011-07-28T13:39:00.002+08:00

It's 1.44pm at Marine Dept again today... n m waiting for the lady to come back from her lunch break so i can proceed to teach her how to use the system....

And at the moment... m sleepy... eurgh!!

Karen just left, she went back to Kiarong.. leaving me alone here....

It's already Thursday 28th... 3 more days then... this will be the last day m going to be here... ok i think m gonna take some pics... hehehe...

Ok hehe dats done... will post it soon... :)

So next week it is... ok actually m just bored at d moment... ayt.. till next tym cherrios :p~

Roles to play

2011-07-27T12:53:00.006+08:00

Hey... m back at the office... tryna get by the days before my last, which is due in just few days time... at the same time taking the advantage of the situation to miss the dreadful orientation week for the start of the semester at ITB... hehe :p~

Anyways recent philosophy~

I attended the student's registration event last Monday at ITB concourse area as well as the afternoon session at Qlap Plaza... n we were all wearing the official uniform (white bju kurong with black kain plus white tudong) so the anak skulah style... n so as i came i was unfortunately asked to sit upfront (3 rows from the the stage) and i was sitting next to this cute adorable young gal whose taking her degree in Engineering faculty... Well Gud for her :p

Anyways, then somehow i saw this gal who looked rather familiar and i knew her as my old classmate in secondary years before.. she was my junior but i got into the same class with her when i had to repeat my form 2 becoz "i failed my bloody attendance"! haha just to justify that :p~

So we kind of pretended not to know or perhaps both of us aren't sure of each other n perhaps we'r both asking the same question in our minds... "what is she doing here?"

She might be confused seeing me being seated amongst the youngs new intakes and i was equally confused as why is she still here amongst the faculties?

Somehow i managed to remember her name and found her on the event booklet... she is somehow a 'someone' in ITB.. she so happens to have 'DR' title to her name... wow she got her PhD huh! Envious envious soo envious...

That detail got me overwhelmed... my once glory of being offered a place amongst the new scholars got me feeling so foolish and i felt such a looser for being ther at that moment... it got me thinking... what could she be thinking of me? I was once the brightest n top in class but somehow where was i all this years? When all of my frens n juniors finished their studies and are now part of the working societies... What happened to dear Yenni?!

I kept on feeling rather low when i thought of the ugly cruel truth... I owes thought i'd be the best n be the 1st to achieve... but the reality bites... m still here...

You see how stupid I was for feeling like this.. everytime something absolutely fabulous happens to me... I would then be sprinkled with a pinch of salty truth on top of my open wounds... n dat got me negative instantly when i shouldn't have... hey come on?! u know why?!

In life we all take roles, we play roles and we are given roles... its just up to us to take it or not... This got me thinking metaphorically (as owes) hehe...

When i was in my primary school years, secondary, tertiary education years... i was owes nominated to be the class monitor or leader... or when thers any kind of subject that needs a representative... my name wud owes come up... but most of the time... i refused to take the lead... although most of the time as well, i just do it just for the sake of it... coz i don't like to argue about nitty-gritty things...

So in this case... amongst all of us in class.. thers a role to take... the opportunity was there... I just needed to initiate n grab it but somehow i missed it.. n so someone else got the chance... n the role as great as it may be... comes with it great responsibilities... not everyone are cut out for it.. only those who deserves it...

So the question is... do i really want to take on that much responsibility?

Not really hehehe....

I am the kinda person who appreciates the highlights and acknowledgements but let others take the job seriously coz I know myself... I am not built for the serious atmosphere... i am born to make a difference in areas I can hehehe which means in areas where i can lead n innovate of great possibilities not chained to regulations n prove to others I am bound... Nope not me :)

So now i get it! now i know why? Why i had to stay behind n start today... why I was the last one standing n kept on reserve... i Know why :)

The world was not ready for me yet... the world is waiting for the right time to open its arms for me... positive positive hahahahaa ain't that a lovely ideology?.. i absolutely love it!

So am i grateful for what i am given now? happy with my choices and decisions? Glad i did what i did? Damn ryt i am... I AM!! Alhamdulillah :)

My roles i am playing may shift n change in due time... but i never regret the experiences... wher i've been n who i've met... what i knew... n things to learn... I am who I am and I'll be who I am, how, what, when and wher i want it to be :)

RAkuten~

Its Final... Finally :)

2011-07-21T12:45:00.003+08:00

Its been only few weeks... its been good.. its been great... its been emotional too... but it's all good...

I just finalized my decision to take the ITB offer and leave the 'Sunshining' Company that opens its doors for me eventhough for awhile... they accepted me with open arms... it's nice.. its comfortable... and i am forever grateful :)

Although it was just a brief period... i've learnt as much as i could... n most importantly.. i've acquired new frens.. n thats a value you don't get everyday... :) to dearest Karen, Cynthia and Khatijah, its been a great pleasure n fun to have known you fabulous girls... Thanks to karen for always speaking out your sincere opinions and advises... my choices i made today for my future was a part of you guys... will owes remember that :)

So i've come to this junction where the sign tells me to go back to where i initiated to go... that destination that i've dreamt of all this while... i know i should've just waited and be patient... but sumhow it doesn't matter now... the point is... M HERE now! so m going back to my early tracks... m getting there... one step further up now... insyaallah! we'll make it thru... AMIN!

How ironic... just a month ago.. i was wondering about my life... being unemployed... waiting for uncertainties... n then somehow out of the blue.. i just decided to go approach this company and asked for reconsideration... now i am about to board of the ship again and off to another journey... hehehe.... yes life is full of surprises... if you let yourself loose... dance when its rain, sing thru patiently while stuck in traffic and just smile.. smile... You'll see it wasn't so bad afterall... if you just let it... have faith... have hope.. have beliefs... things will unfold just the way you expect it to be... :)

Well the next chapter of my life soon will be... 'Next level Tidal WAve'.... wish me luck :) eeeeeeeeeeee~

Life's Traffic

2011-07-19T13:22:00.002+08:00

Was on my way to work just now... and somehow i got caught in traffic... nice!

It was a long wait... long queue of cars probably on their way to work as well... n the thought that bugs you constantly was... Damnit m fucking late!

But then i thought... hey no matter how much i throw off my negative emotions out... i ain't going anywhere faster... so instead i thought... lets just take the time to take some photos and listen to some cool tunes and sing it off...

Well the nagging feeling of being late which means the boss won't be happy with you which means you'r going to get scolded for someone elses' mishaps on the road... n so does everyone else who was inline waiting to pass the congestion.... n the more i thought about it... what for? again... i ain't going anywhere at the moment... so why not just lay back and enjoy the ride... the boss would just haf to wait won't he?

So i took snapshots, singing along... n waited patiently until i passed by the cause of the traffic... three cars in a row in the middle of the road obviously their unfortunate accident early this morning was far more serious than being inline waiting to pass by safely to work...

So just as soon as i passed them by... the road became free... flows smoothly at 80km/hr... aaah finally!!

Then it got me thinking... i was smiling... relieve... i thought.... life's journey is just as such.... we would come across such traffic because of some other peoples doings... the short-circuit in our life that just somehow delays and challenges our patience... our integrity our beliefs....

but all we need to do is just to stay positive, not alarmed yet calm... just wait... wait... it'll pass by... n if you just approach it in a manner... u find urself... unharm... less tension... the whole experience is much much more bearable... affordable n seriously easy breezy... it wasn't so bad afterall... n the next thing u know... its ol over in just a second...

therefore all we need to do is just to go thru it with an open-mind... positive outlook... persevere, don't resist, persist.... insyaallah... it goes on smoothly as it should be... the good n the bad shall pass too.... u'll see :)

Teenage Dream

2011-07-01T10:16:00.002+08:00

i'm at the office.. listening to 'The Rescues' cover of 'Teenage Dreams'... lovin it hehe..

Anyways... i've been recapping on certain subjects technically just to get some ideas on the things that matters here... hehe..

Somehow now i am wiki reading 'ASEAN' haha what d hell does it have anything to do with 'Network comms?' haha exactly nothing... saja wah.. always been mistaken by the subject that i never got the chance to correct hehe...

So basically ASEAN is an abbreviation of 'Associations of Southeast Asia Nations.. and Brunei is the 8th country...

Somehow i need to learn more on other things.. like how bank Credit cards works hahah and how to board a plane... dhoh! hahaha

no i mean seriously... these are new to me... hehehe... m gona google 'Boarding the Plane for Dummies' and 'Credit Cards for Dummies'... hehe

So i am just utilizing my day to gather my knowledge on things... ok tata...

Reshuffling Mode

2011-06-18T12:44:00.002+08:00

i've been thinking about my options now.. although there wasn't much to pick from but i am tryna set my mind on what i really wanted and what is it that i need...

You see i always believe that we all should pursue our dreams and do what we want in life, since we only get to live once only... we don't want to regret one day thinking back to what we have missed.

i am one who has lots of dreams.. which made me in constant confusion as to what or which i should do first.. eventually i end up procrastinating all that i dream of doing...

Now i start to wonder whether i have set my goal ryt or maybe i was just being to naive to accept my new changed circumstances... the tide that kept on sweeping me off to havoc unsure where i am heading every second.. questioning my choices and answers and eventually i surrender in exile..

Therefore now i am in a state of breakthrough perhaps i am almost ready to be awaken from my comfy larvae and explore what life has to offer me from now on...

again we'll see where i'll be next... here or somewhere further off:)

Purple Butterfly

2011-06-15T17:13:00.003+08:00

The tune of serenity was far east from where i was standing, I couldn't even see through the hazy clouds swirling around me.. i was forever lost, always been and i thought why haven't i found my way out... why am i still here wondering and feeling sorry for myself... has it been years... or perhaps i just never knew... that i have never left this place..

Indeed i felt defeated, i felt cheated.. all the energy i got was washed away with ol the crazy confusions that never seems to disappear.. i was confined.. it kept on ringing inside my head... i ges i kept it long enough that i din't realised it was still there... i thought i was fine.. but nope it is still mad!

I slowly adapt to my slow pace... walking around just finding something that i din't know existed.. i lost faith, i din't believe anymore... ol n ol.. i became so empty... so hollow that all i can hear afterwards are echos of my lonely existence... sad sad n as owes sad!

i stopped n looked ahead... that tune of serenity grew louder... the haze is less thicker and my view is starting to aim on something ahead...

Although my beliefs were wearing thin... my hopes and dreams are lost... but i remembered what i was taught long time ago... whenever ur lost.. owes find ur ground... stand still... meditate... PRAY!

I did... the tune.. i heard was a call of prayer... the sun is rising bright.. n the trees are green ol over.. there was nothing there other than peace... the peaceful scene i longed to see... i prayed.... although i have nothing left inside... but i just kept on praying... n sure enuf my hopes are rebuild n my dreams are dreamt bigger...

i told myself for now... that god is giving me a holiday from work, social life, dilemma, financial problems and other life's expectancies that used to be a failure... i am on leave.. i am on a vacation.. m free to just be! :)

Another thought i came up with is... everyone has to go thru these phase... the phase where we question our life's achievements, our mistakes and just everything to do with life.. as we moved on to each level of life... the child phase 1-10, the teenage phase 11-19, the twenties living life to the fullest phase 20-29, the first responsible adulthood phase 30-39 and so forth...

N now i have few years left to enter the next phase of adulthood... therefore i am starting to go astray, confused more than ever... but i know it will soon be off n things will be much much clearer for me... i just needed to hibernate inside my larvae n wake up one fine day into a wonderful butterfly... spread my fabulous gold n violet wings... n soar off into the atmosphere.. just wherever i wish to go...

we'll see how it goes... insyaallah!

Trying to be me

2011-05-15T19:43:00.001+08:00

I realise that i've been holding bck in so many tings in lyf. I owes told myself to be who i wanted to be but i failed to see that i've missed out alot n timing is drifting further faster leavin me becoming obsolete!

Its not that i dint want to change perhaps its mo of being comfortable in my own zone. But mo n mo its gettin ol worn out, getting too oldschool n just not adapting anymore. Just s how d saying goes "Adapt or Perish"!

I do feel a big part of me almost gone leaving me dazed n confused forever wondering wher m i headin next?

All i haf is a lil bit of patience intact just enuf for me to carry on forward just a few steps more!

Here i am tryna be me but at d same tym admitting dat in order to stand still u gotta learn to sync with d heavy tide orelse u'll b swept of nowher n never to be found!

Back to the past

2011-05-06T23:31:00.002+08:00

I've been spending most of my times playing games.. never been the kind though but now i ges its needed to past the time alone...

i missed human interactions, i feel like i've lost outside worlds connections. i've been locked with never ending boredom.

i tuned to my future but it makes me more anxious then i tuned to my present but thers nothing on thats exciting therefore thers only one choice to go back to the past... i often swim around the corners wher it used to be ol fun and wild, i flipped thru albums just to reminisced and laugh out loud with myself although i know its not good to owes think about ur past... but then what choice do i have for now...

its ok, its oryt... yes we dont need it anymore but thers no harm in just looking at it coz it was a memory and thats just THAT!

I clicked!

2011-04-20T15:03:00.002+08:00

Perhaps its the day... or perhaps its the month.. perhaps its the year.... or perhaps its just me!

Perhaps! Perhaps! Perhaps!

Its been awhile and i missed you so much... so much that eventho there's nothing much to update but i jst wanna hehe...

So far... there were dieting that din't quite worked out.... ther was also n outing wif my fave cuz... there was a numeracy test i dreaded and also the brief ez breezy interview i had....

Owh n soon I'm going for another written test for a position i applied for.... hopefully m luckier than ever... amin amin amin!!

Been watching another marathon of Fullhouse wif ma dearest who now seems to be glued to it more than myself... awesome! hehe... which means that there will be more korean series marathon in the coming future... yeay!! damn m persuasive ;p

I'm almost done in completing my simple task here @marine.. which also means that my time here will come to an end as well... sigh* its been fun... eventho i din't mingle much here and all i do is convert the MMS files every single day... (uuu i make it sound sophisticated hehe) but i enjoyed my time here... it was well spend hehehe ;p

I am starting on a fresh page... which is love thyself! list of things to do are.. quit the nico, do not skip meals, sweat sweat sweat... moisturize... n smile smile smile...

that doesn't sound too hard ryt?!

Indeed... we'll see till next time hehe.. for now... m clicking gud :)

This got me teary... sob sob

2011-03-31T14:22:00.003+08:00

MARRIAGE When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly.

Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let ...her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce.

My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

When your burp smells of orange~

2011-03-31T12:06:00.003+08:00

Hehehe...

Burrrrppp!! oops...

When ur burp smells of orange.... the tot of it is just comforting as well as funny... i mean how often do you get to burp out nice sweet scent?

Well the reason for that was becoz i've been drinking a glass of sweet fresh orange juice dat only cost me $1.50... awesome!! n its real fresh orange... haha apakan bangga hehehe...

anyways... the tot of it made me wonder... of cors y wudn't it ryt?!

i wonder~

Just like the orange scented burp... it's a result from drinking something perfectly good and healthy... i mean it depends on what we consume everyday... if the things we ate are bad well then obviously our burps would smell gross... which is y drinking fresh fruity smoothies or anything healthy just gives u 'fresh fruity scented burps!' i mean even if u accidentally burped onto someones' face... its flattering instead... haha ok... m going overboard.... but i dno, the tot of it is just awesome!

which also means that, i need to watch what i put into my mouth and what comes out of my mouth...

Now, that gave me another point of view... it only shows what kind of person we are on the inside.... i mean what we say n how we say it...

What we say n how we say it to other people show us our own self... its really easy to tell... therefore if u tend to hurt people's feeling by the tings u say... don't expect to be appreciated nor remembered.. u stink!

Dats why... when u want to smell fresh n fruity all the time... watch wat u eat and what u feel inside.... avoid the nasty junk foods coz they smell gross and any bad negative ideas that just pops into ur head.. ignore it instead tink of positive motivational tings... coz they're awesomely FAB!

Those who mind don't matter!

2011-03-31T10:17:00.004+08:00

Indeed it's those who mind dat we bother about... d same goes with the tings dat need not to be bothered about coz seriously they don't matter...

It's a given that in everyday we struggle to find some balance in our lives... tryna figure out which is the best or better way out of any given problem~

N wen u cudn't control urself and ur head is goin OTT n everywer, being calm n rational is not something easy to achieve.... which in my case makes me become so weak n i needed a break instantly... orelse u mite risk showing to others that ur breaking! which is a NO-No..

Learning from a game play.. i realized that every character has a valid aspirations, the various wants to fulfill each day n their neverending fears.... therefore all we need to do is to find the most systematic n simplified way to achieve those things n avoid most of the fears we have.... wen we play it, its definitely doable... but wen it is us ourselves... we neglect the self-control...

noone else is incharge of us... we control our own tots, feelings, behavior, fears, wants, attitudes and everything else that comes from within... all we need to do is just acknowledge them n evaluate then execute the plans... at the end we'll get tons of rewards.. awesome!

therefore... play ur life fairly, justified and just satisfactory... keep the meter on 100% level!!

M Sorry

2011-03-30T11:07:00.003+08:00

M sorry, i think m losing it already... i'm losing it faster.. m tired of it already..

N maybe it's a good thing.. maybe its better this way... i don't have to be circling around all day... when m not wanted nor needed to...

M gonna loosen up my grip... m just gonna fly off elsewhere... m sorry... m tired... m done... i lost it!

Losing the Romance

2011-03-30T10:55:00.002+08:00

i found this story while googling on what is the next best thing to do when love is getting too much to handle... its a very nice touchy story...

story goes~

My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.

Three years of courtship and now, four years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.

"Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.

He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times.

My feeling of disappointment only increased; here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?

And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.

Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"

He said:" I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.

I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

My dear,

"I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further..."

This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.

"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.

You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city; I have to save my eyes to show you the way.

You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.

You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand... and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face...

Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die... "

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading...

"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...

I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....

Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...

That's life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.

Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the dullest and boring form... flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... and that's our life... Love, not words win arguments...

Anonymous

Life's Circuit

2011-03-08T13:47:00.007+08:00

Weeeeeee~

Hehe m just smiling thru the day wif my old bestfren 'Pepsi' hehe its been awhile...

Doing my daily work task sambil2 browsing thru some great sites to read thru... some updates n just chillin....

I've been putting on a sad face mask for the past dayz... damn it felt so heavy n suffocating... altho we ol dint chose to but sumtyms we cudn't bring up the courage to pretend that we'r fine.... or that we are upset about some setbacks in our life....

I ges the trick is just not to settle wif the shitty feelings we'r building up inside... or just ignore those who made us feel in such a state... challenging.. indeed!

Just haf a break from putting urself down... take d tym to ponder on the fact that... "Why do i waste so much energy towards this person or matter when its just going to ruin my perfectly awesome day?!"... is it worthed?!

N my life don't evolve around this person or matter n they dont matter... what matter is me n i need to be happee... happiness is something that needs to be pursue... get it coz we deserve it!

Everytym i parked near the shore i see the calm vast open sea ahead of me... it used to send me a cooling, chilling vibe kinda feeling but now even that cudn't calm me down.... i kept on wondering why is that?!

I realized that i have put on so much load in my head... thinking n regretting so much about my life's choices.... i told myself that i never want to regret wif what i'll decide on... its a path we ol need to take... its our destination... therefore why the regrets?!

I ges it hits u hard when u see those around u seems to be off somewhere... n here u are still feeling the blues when u tot u'd be happee wif ur choices.... instead it was the total opposite of things...

i have to admit that it is in every aspect of my life dat i felt so beaten up... career, relationships, family, financial, health, education.... every angle doesn't seem to be flowing at the moment... i feel like thers some kind of blockage somewhere dat i needed to troubleshoot...

Wher is the short-circuit?!

I saw less fortunate ppl everyday wif their less than luxurious vehicle, their less than glamor outfits and their less than full wallets... but i see them laughing and just happee.... so whats the secret?!

For me now.. i just needed to cheer up... wif my pepsi and strawberry puffs ehe... n who knows the ocean will welcome me again wif a calming n soothing hugs n kisses soon enuf :)

Working Blissfully :)

2011-03-03T15:20:00.002+08:00

So far so good~

i guess it's the environment or the touch of soft breezes or the coziness within this small office perimeter that makes me feel so much at ease... or perhaps its just the 'No Boss' mode tehee...

Just lalala-ing all the way... minding my own business with the scanning and uploading.... non-stop... tryna reach the maximum files per day which is 5 files... but honestly... realistically the max will be jst 3 files...

anyways... i have a date wif Dyi later... gawd it has been soooo, tooo long since the last time we hung out... she called earlier at lunch hr, offered to go out to check out the 'Pesta Buku' @ICC later... hmm.. tempted to find the book 'The case of falling in love'... sigh!!!

Woke up early morning today to submit the ITB application forms which i did tried to submit yesterday n were unfortunately incomplete... hence my early morning drop by the administration just now.... so that's done... next the maths written test... weeee~ bracing myself!

Also m tryna refuel myself with confidence to grab the A level examination chance this year... i've inquired and well it is possible... the risk is mine to take... awuler... Eeeee.... seraam... but yae... we'll see how it goes lah... for now m still tryna weigh in the possibilities and chances... shud i go for it or shud i just stick wif what i can do for now....

Been feeling very very restless... my mind... ooo my mind.... owell!!

Oryt... till next time... i do kinda feel like this picture sometimes.... hehe... nyaman dan sejuk jee...

2011 so far

2011-02-05T21:12:00.003+08:00

Its a Saturday nite and its very cold from the constant rain that keeps on pouring outside..

I wondered if I wanted to go out and delayed myself from changing to my sleeping attire... so i wait till the instinct kicks in... but sumhow my feelings just kept on feelin pretty much comfy stayin in eventhough i am bored like daymn... but then i think m just gona get cozy in bed tonite alone!

So i thought what shud i do? i already watched American Idol S10... and the damn astro is not too great at this time of climate... so i decided to tuned into Prima and watched some Malay drama... then i got bored and got online instead...

So here i am... figured since i'm online... better update something here...

What's been happening since New Year?

Nothing much... been applying for jobs here and there... no replies yet.. being patient... but then i got a Yes for a TEMP job at Marine Department... scanning documents for their newly established managing system via online... so all i do all day is scanned almost all the important documents... what did i learn? I learnt how the shipping procedures are and discovered somethings that i never bothered to know before... so there... new discoveries each day.. yeay!!

Been exercising with the dance video and well i haven't seen much of a difference but i felt different a bit... ges thats a good thing... Of CORS! hehe... so i am forbidding myself from stepping on the scales until i feel positive with some weight lose. Although i actually like my weight at the moment but i just want to tone up...

Been reading... weaving carpet... eating... sleeping.. scanning... thats pretty much about it...

owh n i just have my new baby lulu... the latest addition to the family... Gnadi's baby girl.. so cute... finally another amoi in the bunch.... so waiting for my turn to contribute the Chin's line... insyallah!!

so i ges thats pretty much it for now.. so far... its been cold.. raining.. and just full of bliss.... :)

Puff Puff

2011-01-24T14:02:00.003+08:00

My attempt in just being spontaneous again...

Here i am in my room listening to some new track from Glee... lovin in.. it has the energy that i needed... somehow i feel like busting someone's windows just for fun... hehee...

Been up n about lately... down with blues.... playing with the kitty... and just getting bored with the lonesome... but ain't that bad.... as long as i remember to be grateful wif things... alhamdullilah.. i get about fine!

s'how i remembered some of my embarrassing moments i've encountered before... to think about it makes me giggled alone wawawa...

One of those would be, the first time i started socializing with a bunch of new frens... i just knew them.... two guys to be exact...

they offered me to go hang at JP... its just me, my gal cuz and the two new dudes i just knew.... so while hanging out, they wanted to play this game.. 'word association'... its a game where all the players think of a word that can be associated with the word the previous player chose...

eg Red then you say the first thing that comes into your mind that goes with red... so the other dude said blood... then the other dude chose PMS.... then it was my turn.... n you know what i said instead...... hahahaha

"PMS?! what's that?!" with my innocent confuse expression..... WHAT?!!! hahahaha.... Kweng Kweng Kweng... ilang cool tarus hahaha...

kesian eyh, i honestly haven't come to terms with that word at that time.... i was totally clueless hahahaa.... embarrassed the dude had to explained to me that it's the premenstrual cycle of a female.... dhoh! i should've known that... pathetically i needed a guy i just knew to tell me that.... Aaaaaaarggh!! mbari maluuuu.... hahahaha

another embarrassing moment that i remembered happened while dining at PizzaHut with my bestfren together with her cute cuz who just got back from oversea.... hmmmm.... he seems playful and i was shy.... on top of that what cud go wrong ryt?!

In an attempt to look sophisticated and just polite..... i chose to eat the pizza with the utensils available on the table.... where usually i just picked it up with my hands and shove it to my mouth... but this time nope... perhaps it was the shyness or the thought that i needed to present my ladylike persona.... i decided to dread myself practicing my utensils skills with a slice of Tune Pizza....

with much difficulty... and pure effort.... plus the cute cuzzy was sitting ryt infront of me with his enchanting smile.... it felt like i was trying to operate something with alot of pressure... and somehow i managed to slice the damn thing and the next thing i knew... the whole portion of the sliced pizza flew across the floor..... ehehehe.... waaaargghh mbarimaluuu.... so the cute cuzzy just picked it up from across the floor and just kindly said "soryt happens all the time... hehe..." and then he politely demonstrated how to eat the pizza with ease which is 'using ur hands and just shove it into ur mouth and just enjooooy!!!!"

Eurgh!! hahaha... so much with the ladylike effort ;p~

Another embarrassment was when i was invited to my chinese bf's dinner party at Season.... it was my first time of such invitation... i din't know what to wear... and being around his other chinese fellow frens.... plus he was kinda a spoil kid from a rich family.... n i was just this shy malay girl who hasn't had a life back then...

so i decided to go with my bright pink suede tweety bird top matched with a green jeans... (WHATT?!) exactly... wat was i thinking ryt... but no matter he said i looked gorgeous hahaha... tampar tia ia ah hahaha...

I glided across the restaurant and reached the table where all of his chinese basketball frens were already seated....

They were all saying hi and commented on how i really looked chinese and they knew me from pasar malam before... which is also where i met my bf that time.... hehhe...

On with the program... i was seated uncomfortably quiet like i was in a wrong place and i don't even know what i was doing there.... then its time to makan.... there was the buffet spread and everyone got up to go line up.... i was so shocked and din't know what to do... plus pemaluuu gilerrr.... so i sed... M NOT HUNGRY?!!!!

hahahahahahaha..... paluiiiii..... i agreed to go to his dinner party but told him i wasn't hungry... but in actual fact i was petrified with the whole idea.... i din't even know how the buffet thing works... like which plate to get.... what to eat.... which spoons and forks to use.... OMG! it seems like a lot of work for me at that time.... hahaha bangang wah.... i mean i cud've just pretended like i know and just followed what everyone else's doing ryt... apalah!!!...

That kinda annoyed my bf that time, coz he even went on with the trouble of mentioning how much he is paying for my seat u know the per head fee thing hahaha.... owell....

Skali he even took the liberty on picking up some cakes on a plate for me to eat... "at least eat something he said!" even so.... i dono which fork or spoon to use... and stubbornly said.... NO THANKS!!! hahahahaha faloooy!!! nyusahkan orang lah hahaha.... bodoh!! malu ku eeeeeh!! hahaha

Well there's more to that.... hahaha... m stil laughing my ass off everytime i remembered those days when i was just merely a pathetic nobody who doesn't know the world... haha... well i'll try to remember more and blog about it soon hehehe...

As for now... m just living life fabulously with an optimistic goggles on... mwahz xoxo

I only see u in dreams~

2011-01-16T16:05:00.002+08:00

U hold my hand as we walked by the shore.... just feeling the breeze that whispers calm soothing enchantments... knowing that we were smiling.... in love.... just u n me!

U told me to just keep holding on... it will get better soon... i trust u...

I ges u can see thru me... i was troubled... worried... but i know u knew it.... i was just afraid that it wud end... that things wud change... whether u like it or not.... time will leave us wondering again... alone... no hands to hold... n here i am alone again...

It was a lovely setting.... we decided to crash our spot on the rocks just waiting for the sun to set... love the way u strum the strings n i'd just sing our song.... packed with our kebabs n a bottle of ice lemon T.... we just shared our troubles away... just as how we wish for doraemon to appear any minute.... i truly miss u...

It was our sunday ritual... to see the sunset... geared ourselves with some poetry.. damn its just too good to be true.... someone who speaks my mind... sings the same tune... loves everything that i do... what cud just be wrong wif it?!

how i wish it is true... that tings won't change... that we'd still be here together.... we'd still just smile n keep on loving.... coz ther's nothing else like it... it was a dream come true... soulmates.... just truly inseparable... no lies... no complicated twist... we were just happee that we found each other n thats what matters most...

2.55am

i twist n turn... n cudn't find where the cool spot is... damnit.... why does it haf to be at this hour again... i din't want to wake up... i just wanted to be there again....

i've been waiting everyday for that meeting... that never came... i missed the smile... miss the hair... miss the laughter and the tings we share.... u sed ur gona call... m stil waiting here... impatiently... lajuuuuuuu~

till the clock aims to 4am... i shall see u again.... smile from the heart.... hehe....

Tmorow Nver Dies

2010-12-27T22:24:00.002+08:00

Aaaahh welcome back home dearest yen... hehe i miss myself here...

Wif ol my fave tracks playing for me... it definitely reminds me of old times wif myself... hehe... lovely!!

hows tings? FINE! not bad... nothing exciting happening in my life... perhaps not yet... a new is coming... i hope i find my schweng back in time before the new yr comes... i really really desperately need it back... i have become boring to be wif becoz i am bored all the time... aaah!!

i am more lively every few seconds hahaha.. which makes me feel like a wacko... in which makes me relieve becoz dats how i wanted to be... jst other than boring... plss!!

i wanted to write in some story... but i dno how to begin... i have it ol written in my head but somehow it just stays there... hahaha... tunggu lah dtg panat soon... hehe

so few more days before new yr... wassap?

Again nothing exciting to share... we'll c how the new yr brings... its going to be a fabulous awesome lucky one... insyallah!! Amin!!

See u guys next yr... wohooo!!!

Nite with the breeze~

2010-11-20T23:14:00.002+08:00

I just spend my nite with the kids.. nephews and nieces all in my room.. somehow they just like hanging in here... finally they'r out i can have some puffer...

Went for the last excursion with the Sinaut group... that's kinda the last gathering for us.. hopefully we'll still catch up on ech oda after this... we'r good together.... supporting ech oda with laughter and ideas... its been great!

nothing comes to my mind this few days.. well actually it has been a month now... m at ease alhamdullilah! i ges i did myself good by leaving my tension space... altho i do need to think of how to generate income from now on... but just dont want to get myself too uptight about it...

just living life one step at a time...

clear my mind... just let things be and accept it... come what may!

i realized that... if u don't let urself too guarded or too loose... u mite actually find some kind of balance there... at lease it felt dat way.. altho as mentioned... things needs to be rearrange soon... but i really believe that things unfold by its own.. in its most natural way... not force.. not compressed... neither stressing...

my fume is vaporizing by now... i thank god... not really as pissed as i was few months ago... i am just simply whistling along now... haven't found my song or melody that i can hum to yet but soon enuf... i'll be singing and walking thru the breeze of enchanting melody.. aha whatever that may mean..

its a lonely nite... its been raining.. its cool... with the drumming sound outside made by the falling rain... it creates a scene filled by peaceful serenade... n by morning... the sun will shine... the birds will still be singing.... the clouds will be clear... embarking on a new born day... i dedicate my day tommorow for my happy self.. smiling.. forever cheerful.. grateful and just believing on the great possibilities that it is time for the songs to be played... of happy upcoming... prosperous and just awesomely fabulous!

AMIN!!

Blissfully :)

2010-11-19T23:20:00.004+08:00

Listening to Bruch Lash 'Lithium' loving the sentiments... aaah!

Life's been blissful.. alhamdullilah.. i think the course made me feel more loose... not too stuck in... plus socializing is owes refreshing...

love life is splendid.. alhamdullilah as well... i know this post may seem like n update but yae i am actually...

i watched 'Eat Pray Love' again just now... a repeat from last nite... it still made me smile... the movie is so what i needed... if only i cud go travel and just be adventurous... explore what can be discovered... not so much to care just finding balance in life...

i am slowly renovating myself... got a new haircut and i don't really bother so much bt my weight... its true.. the more it bothers u the more u weigh... eurghh! so instead love the body... love the food.. love everything that's been given... isn't that just gratifying?

meeting new frens along the way.. accepting them for who they are... opening up to new possibilities... trying out what i never cud do.. but yae who knows ryt.. no one does actually so why not just find out... give a lil bit of effort then if its worthed go for it, if it doesn't don't bother... drop it..

if u miss something... then miss it... why feel guilty about it.. we'r only humans... if u just suddenly tot of an old fren.. call them or text them to say hi... no harm in doing so ryt... m here sending my love to all of u out there... xoxo

M smiling for a tot... my old small tv is just sitting ther infront of me... n i just realized that one of my many wishlist has manifested... i got a flatscreen out of a lucky luckydraw... from an event i left earlier before they called my name for the prize.. baik jua nda angus.... rezki tuhan.. alhamdullilah!

tomorrow is another excursion to govn sector office... this shud be interesting... it is also sadly the ending of our Asas Keusahawanan & Pengurusan course... but yae ther'll be other courses in which we'll be in the same class again.. but yae.. hopefully its gona be as fun as it is last week... we'll see..

so its getting midnite now... gotta doze off soon... sweet dreams peeps.. world... imagination... i'll cu again tomorrow :)

Sinaut kursus Asas Keusahawanan 2010

2010-11-17T21:07:00.003+08:00

It started on the 8th until recent 16th and tommorow we're ol going for an excursion to the govn sectors to learn more on how to start-up our business.

It has been fun.. tho at first 10 days seems like to much to bear but eventually we ol become good acquaintance and we were like one big family supporting each other...

I learn that u really need to open up and accept whats coming ahead... n try not to be easily offended wif ppl's opinion.. just like u... we ol have our own beliefs and we all have our own set of point of views... so its only fair not to be overly judgmental over others...

Sharing is Caring... indeed.. this philosophy stands true...

I did feel like i knew most of what was taught becoz i've had other courses that teaches the same thing... but somehow just being there.... wif the effort of going for miles just to attend that courses got me being more open-minded... n thats the advantage of it all.... u need others around... the fun... the sharing... made it all worthwhile..

Therefore... what did i learn from the 10 days course?

I learnt to be braver now... i learned that no matter what u choose in life... u will have to take a risk... its just up to u on how much rish r u willing to take!

Doesn't matter if ur playing it safe or the opposite.. both will require risk... but only those who are willing to take big risk may see big differences instantly... so why do we again n again complain about the outcome that we din't expect? when obviously... u werent willing to take the big leap at the first place... always questioning our own capabilities...

Indeed i doubted myself too much.. but somehow... i see that.. in order to sustain ur existence.. one needs to take dramatic drastic measures to leap forward.... risk it.. not all but enough to get you moving way ahead of others...

so yae... m building up my courage now... lets see wher i'll be stepping on next :)

Agendas

2010-10-31T07:28:00.004+08:00

t's been awhile... yae i know... well tak sedar2 its already the end of October 2010.. another two months to transit to another new year....

So far its been heartache and joy for me... trying to embrace change with Tony Buzan and currently m on half book now... hehe... it needs more push to stay focus nowadays... ges its the age factor hehe...

Anyways i went for some marketing course at Sinaut Entrepreneurship Centre this week for three days.. it was worth the trouble plus the govn provided it FOC... ain't that awesome or what.... yup we ol love those freebiz.. n they give certz at the end of every courses attended... got acquainted with some new frens... refreshing :)

Also I finally no longer occupy this office of mine... sigh* well for some reason i just needed to venture out on something that i feel makes me less cranky... it was a one experience i shall cherish as others i have collected for the past 26 yrs of my life hehe... i miss the MD and some he's a nice dude :)

I have been addicted to Misato sushi ever since we tried dining in last time i can't remember... so love the Volcano rolls and mini california special... those raw stuff ain't that bad afterall... except the eels... eurgh its slimy and slurpy... eeeeee...

One fine day decided to tagged along the famz for a walk at the industrial park nearby... for some brief exercise... it was good... but well that was it... haven't been doing that regularly yet... i stil prefer swimming hehe...

Went for murtabak at Rindu Rasa sometime this month with syg... just felt like it...

So far been coping with life... reading, astro and trying to be motivated... finally finished the Breaking Dawn and well it wasn't really that exciting... but stil can't wait for the movie... wonder when Harry Potter premiere is gonna be... that will be the last of it...

My plan is to bake some Melting Moments cookies... my famz tot it was good enuf to sell... but haven't made the next batch yet... hehe.. perhaps today if i manage to stay awake the whole day teheee....

Well i ges i better get back to the book reading... will update again soon :)

Enthused!

2010-08-20T14:36:00.003+08:00

Tune -> ONeRepublic -Secrets

Feeling - Enthused!

I had a glimpse of the awakening thousandth of seconds ago… now I am kinda fused with the -ve ions again… darn!

I ges it is the atmosphere where I come n go n had to breathe in the contaminated air… intoxicating and nauseating indeed!

My hands are trembling from my ages that passed n unmoved… it has been awhile ever since I got my hands on this keyboard and flow thru this page just to share my emos n insights… I'm gonna giv al my secrets away the lyrics sings on my behalf… what d hell m I saying here… hahaha…

I ges I got the wrong msg and my dreams are misinterpreted so here I am redoing my essays in my head… figuring it all out all over again… sokay no probs… I can manage… rather than staying still and get rampaged on… fuck those damn suxers… who calls themselves superiors… fuck em!

Whats been happening to moi so far?

Well I was in deep trouble well my mind that is… well if there is anything new with it I'd love to elaborate more but yae the same old song that keeps on repeating itself… though I found out something new… I had entered n boarded a new hysterical sphere where I chose to endured for the 60% duration of this year n I learnt that I ain't liking it…

How did I managed to stay on board for this long?

I tried to accept it… tho not enjoyable but suxing it deep into my tired soul… tryna fyt my own conscious mind that this is just utter bullshit as I owes said… yes life has improved but it lacks its meaning becoz I failed to take responsibilities on myself… which is the essence of MY life… I cudn't enjoy nor be enthused by anything that I do… therefore… can I say that it was a waste?

Yes n NO!

But there is no blame on any level or anyone… not even myself coz it is thy course I needed to obliged to…or else I wudn't know anything abt it or this sphere I came across with… the confidentiality part is not so inspiring afterall… I begin to resist it deeply… n it is suxing the life out of me too soon that I aged more and more in speed than before… I am now almost 53 yrs old… eurgh!

I need to find my inner youth back n just let go of this so-called better living… this agreement of confirmation that has not yet called my name to sign on the terms I may not agree on… do I really have to accept?

I did look up once in awhile awing the greatest existence of the world… the sky was darker n gloomy one hour and then it shines thru as usual… if only we take the tym to appreciate its transition in a day of our lives.. Even the stars were missing out of sight.. Or perhaps I wasn't really looking for them that they refused to show themselves to me… how pathetic can I be? So pathetic that I realised that I am letting it all passed me by unnoticed but grudgingly complaint every single day now for what?

Yes the never ending questions again… its better that way than to settle with the uncertainties that needs no approval… no forcing but still I let it!

I can go on n on with this unraveling misunderstanding but why shud I ryt.. Life has far more value than just to say or just becoz u haf to… I do not agree wif this… thers no such thing as a haf to… u only want to or not!

No matter how ppl tried to change u with the way u stand or talk… how ppl judge u not tiring from it… u don't have to give in n let them get into u like that… u gotta stand tall n voice out to the world n be proud to accept that THIS IS ME! ACCEPT IT!

ECKART TOLLE mentioned that the three modalities one needs to remember and get comfortable with are ACCEPTANCE, ENJOYMENT and ENTHUSIASM!

Well I had that… n I am damn sure that I still haf wat it takes to be.. So why do I need to tell myself otherwise… that I am damned to allow this from happening to my life that I refused to accept and not enjoyed… I am not enthusiastic abt it at all! Hahaha

Ok wher I am going with this? I dno and I don’t care… simply coz

"Those who MIND don't matter coz Those who MATTER don’t mind!"

N "If the problem CAN be solved why WORRY n if the problem CAN'T be solved then why BOTHER!"

INDEED YENNI!

F.I.N.E

2010-07-27T20:10:00.003+08:00

I took my own day off… how? I went to get MC! Why?? I am tired n unwell! AND?> Disturbed again!

Heh! Why aren't I surprised by that?! Complicated yes indeed… I realised that I was loosing focus just becoz I let others play n role my dices… hmm… thers a whole lot of other theories which I'd love to share… n this is one of it…

Ppl have their own choices in life… n they are borne to like n dislike as they wish… no one really understood why this happens… but u can't judge them and labelled them as different when in fact THEY ARE!! So why do we keep on trying to change ppls views to fit ours?

I used to be a forever-optimist… n tot that over time I have changed n turned to such a cynical bitchy pessimist… erm… n then I tot… wait.. I think m just being more realistic now…. Being optimistic before got me as far as being naïve….. N I owes wana see things bubbly n if my bubbles pops… I just go on n buy new bubble bottle n make more….. So what if ppl thinks m weird n childish? Heh I never cared… coz as for me… the part of u that doesn’t wanna grow up is pathetic but the part of u who just doesn't know how to have a bit of fun n who doesn't wanna admit that it is... 'IS' more than pathetic!

N here I started thinking of moving on to something…. Hey isn't the idea is to keep on moving forward?! I know… n I just dono wher I am moving now… forward or backwards…. Or back to wher I started… but I ges this is wher I am… moving along in circles… just like a dance… a very confusing one hahaha… yup I'm laughing!

I feel like m not being appreciated… felt so stupid n out of place constantly… feels like I just got myself stuck on a rat trap thinking that the cheese cud be worthed… n ges what? It ain't really! The experience lah konon! Heh… well I know it'll turn out better… (see that’s my optimistic side coming to the rescue)…

But then until when will u keep on wondering abt it every single day? Why haven't u settle wif it n just fucking DEAL WIF IT! Get it over wif?! Or whatever… fuck EM! Why do I stil bother n think about it every single day? Pathetic!!! Very MUCH INDEED!

Then I tot… I just wana quit n get out of this box wher its all grey n ugly… I miss the tribal drums… the harmonic symphos, the carefree graffiti dat flows with all the various colours of the wind…. The ocean waves that makes up beautiful orchestra of peace…. N the stage that was full of dramas n plainly silly nonsense that u call life… messy! N that’s just how I like it…

Breaking all the rules! Why? Coz if u live life by the rules n thatsjust insanely perfect n dats not living at all…, coz nothing in life is... n u obviously learn from making mistakes… letting urself make those crazee mistakes n then do something different that noone has tot abt or perhaps told u million tyms n u just never listens… ironic… n then making such a great fool of urself n then learning from it again… childish?! It is kinda… but we learn!

So who taught us before that growing up meant that we have to take life sooo damn seriously?! Kill the damn bastard who did!! Coz thers a cool saying that.. Chill, relax.. Don't take things so seriously… coz ges what?! Others don't really! Dats why u find urself confuse as why ur d only one who got really uptight abt the project or whose working so hard just to get the recognition… n ges what?? Its all bullshit!

So whatever it is that’s playing inside my head ryt now while m chewing some chips n tryin honestly without much difficulty 'NOT TO SMOKE' … is just utter bullshit that somehow gets to me…. The things I see.. N concluded… it is my fuel… it is my food… I like to theorize things n wonder on the why, when, who, n what!! Crazee… but yae… it just gave me sense of satisfaction whenever I tot of some great n awesome philosophy that I can apply to my life… hehe… awu wah.. i will get a life ;p

It was raining droplets when i was on the road.... n tot... i miss the view... n i forgot how beautiful nature is... n that even a bad day can turn out perfectly breathtaking :)

Anyways… the straight forward story >

I wanted to quit my job coz I suffocate ther… I choked coz its just 'no comment'!

So here I am thinking what I can do after I quit?! N what will I say to those who cares if I quit? N will I be labeled as a quitter? Wudn't dat sux?

So lotsa questions playing around my head… I miss talking about it freely n get some more opinions on it.. N like "yen I feel exactly the same way"… or "no ur not a quitter… u just wanted to do sumthing abt ur life… n u wanted to keep on searching on sumthing that u can settle with n that u wont be wasting more tym when u know that this ain't working for u!" n some more other helpful sayings u can say to make me feel better…. N eventually… my head traffic will clear up… I get freshen up… n look at life straight in the eye… n say "so wassup?" hahaha

N this is what I discover while I was abt to brush my teeth (ok I usually find great muse while m about to brush my teeth)… so I tinkered… why am I playing the victim role… I am not… why am I being so weak… n all I do is whine n complain? Damn… this is so embarrassing… hey yen this is life… its bitchy n its tough… n if u choose to play around wif it… go ahead… but its time to grow up n be responsible of ur own life… just like how I did years ago… n this is what I said to them…. N I dno how n when did I turned to be this lil fly… soo coward n paranoid all the fucking time… eurgh!!

'When the GOING gets tough.. the TOUGH gets going!'

So m fine! Honestly I am… that brush really help me get by this shitty shit… I just changed my role to be the leader.. Who takes charge.. N ges what.. I really don’t care ryt now… heh!

Til next tym… the table turns on me again.. N get me upside down AGAIN! N then I'll complain n will be beechin again…

But for now… M FABULOUS. INCREDIBLE. NAUSEOUS. EMOTIONAL!! F.I.N.E!!

HOLD ON!!!! !#$$#^##$!#%$^$^&%^$

2010-07-15T00:02:00.004+08:00

Here I start with another song by Good Charlotte 'Hold On'

Holding on… on what? The uncertain…. Huh why does it seem familiar… peculiar… similar…. Been ther done that hahaha

Feeling down, pretty much bottom at the moment…. N so alone tho u have that particular significant other…. Well he just doesn't Kno much to do… n easily gives up in trying to lift u up… I mean ur feeling heavy at the moment… ges he cudn't be burden about it…. At some point ur just tired of asking… n learnt how to deal wif it on ur own… as usual…. But wen its vice versa u still had to carry the both of u just to get thru the day… Well FUCK that shit!!!

Stressed out bout work surrounding…. I hated the big headed bitch who thinks she's all that… Well I hope she goes n eat her own shit soon enuF!!!

Yes we all have the same thing to go thru… but u can't help wishing that ther are just OTHERS who understands u truly n never leaves u alone ESPECIALLY during this shitty times when u needed more support… moral that is… to cheer u when the clouds are about to pour down their tears…. Too burdened by their responsibilities… cudn't take it any longer n just rains on ur parade…. FUCK!!

Well this are the days… u can't then expect a rainbow in the end… if ur lucky enuf to spot em….

I just feel like I needed another quick exit from this all… just a quick short one to ease me off instantly wif laughter and big smile on my face…. I miss u dearest star!!

Feels like its happening all over again… I owes gets abandoned whenever I needed s1 d most…. I mean seriously… why do I matter ryt? To anyone even… so why do I care abt em?

I sumtyms don’t wana care so much abt others…. N just be perfectly selfish… for they don't deserve my attention since they din't bother bt me…. FUCK YOU ALL!!

Gawd m so disturbed at the moment… I really needed a fren ryt now…. Please please pleasee god here my cries…. At one point… I kinda felt like letting go… I know if I were to tell the doc abt this he won't be happy n perhaps updose my meds…. 'I feel like life is meaningless' yet again!!

Can I jst leave wher I am at now n go to another place, wif a different view… wher its calm… the breeze is soothing… like a sanctuary… aaahhh…. My sanctuary… I really miss myself n my star…. But I kinda feel like dat my star don't really mean that it needs me as much… it just tot abt me… but it doesn't really need me! So m gonna try to let go of it… don’t' wana bother it coz it has found its brighter moon… more beautiful to look at….

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttt m soooo damn depress!!! Aaarghh!!!

WTF m I talking about?!!!!

What?? Just becoz I don’t have anyone who cares ryt now…. SO WHAT?!!!!

As if its sumthing new to me…. Nobody realy cares abt me…. N dats why I used to be anguish…. I am soooo angry to d world…. But it kept me alive… n ges what I genuinely don't givafuck bt anything, anyone…. Waddafuckingever!!!

Well here's sumthing to share…. M gonna find me wat makes me happy n m gonna do wat makes me happy… m gona be what I wanna be… peduli ku sal org… org nda jua peduli kan aku…. Whether m sad kah or disturbed kah or needed a shoulder to cry on… no one sincerely wants to listen…. Coz they all have their own sad story to fuss abt… n here I am to listen… listen… sympathize…. Agonize… watever…. But wen it is me who needs em in return… wher are they? They fucking turn they backs on me!!!! Well this is just BULLSHIT!!

#$#$^#$&@%$#@%&#^*^$%!@#%$@%&^&%$@^^*#^@#$^%&#^#$^#%&^@^#$&%^&(%^($&**%(#%^$%@%^^&#$@^^**(&*%^#$@^#^&#^!#&$&*(%*(&@%^&&(%*%^&%$^&^&#%^#^*%^(#&@%^&^&*%&(%*%^$^*&*%^@%^#%^$@#%@^$&%^(@^^*$&*^@^&#^*%*@^#^@#$^^**(@$%^^*&(&&%^$%

That’s a whole lot of swearing! N I am really pissed off ryt now… GAWD give me strength to hold on more longer… I know thers no point holding this tissues coz it won't really wipe it off… m still crying n bleeding… I know thers no point screaming out as loud as I can, coz noone is listening…. I know thers no point in explaining, coz noone hears it… I know thers no point in showing ur real self, coz no one really sees u wif honesty…. Bunch of hypocrites… again fuck you!!

Hold on yen… I know I can only tell myself that millionth tyms to myself… I know I can only rely on myself… coz iatah… bebf kah… betunangkh… kawinkah… ur still on ur own… eventually they'll just go n forsake u… leave u behind as if u don’t matter… n at the end they don't wanna listen or understand anymore… they can start being selfish n let go of their promise to owes love u in no matter what condition.. For better or worse… n never ever ever ever let you go!!! What utter bullshit!

Here I am again alone!! Why?? Coz I am at my worse!! N this is the real tym to prove that u really mean what u sad damnitz! Not leave me instead…. Shiit eh… m back angry to everything n everyone…. God I hate this!! I hate it… hate it!!

Give me strength!! I don’t wana cry again tonite…. HOLD ON Yen… be strong!!

Beechin Tym

2010-06-30T20:17:00.001+08:00

I dno wat makes me so uptight whenever I know I'm gona be left alone… when before I usually prefer this tyms… haha… wuhoooo….

I ges m so used to be tied up… I forgot bt being loose… heh… I shud be enjoying my free tym…

catchin up on my own sweet tyms… with old frens n d tings I mostly enjoyed… darn… its been awhile!

I really missed them all… I had a chance to gather wif the fellow dancers after so long…. N nothing has changed much… but its really gud being myself again… aaaahhh….. Inhale exhale!

I'd usually rush to see them n jst need to go out… n I honestly believe this helps me get along wif life's hardship…. Got frens to share wif n laugh wif…. Who knows how to haf a lil bit of fun…. N not everything has to be calculated… hahaha… damnit yen….

To milz owes love u as my sweetheart…. Adore u much.. Mwahz..

Life doesn't evolve around one person specifically urself….

Eeeee….. This realising thing is just awesome…. N I love it!

Keke…. Its gud being optimally optimistic hehehe…. I mean… its really tiring to have argue abt every single details unnecessarily… I mean why shud u?

N at the moment… my selected tune is 'little lies'… lalalala~

I also miss peterpan…. N doremaun… n the rabbit… also my sweet popeye heheh… I havent forgotten the music n lyrics… I do sing or hum the melody every now n then….

Sayoonara… arigato gozaimasu… mwahz xoxo

Morning Ticks

2010-04-26T19:25:00.003+08:00

I started off early today… tho I slept late last nite but I felt refreshed somehow…

Look I even felt creative as I woke up ahahah panatz!

My day begins with a tick tock… I knew I needed to behave well… n not worry so mch.. Act accordingly…. N do splendidly!

We managed to install the astro in my room by ourselves… tho it fused some tension in between but we managed! Hehe we found ourselves laughing when we were pulling the wires from one end to another…. It cracked the isshness haha :)

So I ges that lifts me up today… n I drove to work fine… listening to the radio…. Singing along… like normally…. N I decided to get my blood test done today…. Asked to leave the office for an hour… dat was done…. Task needed to be completed… Done!!

So since I have some free time n I felt fine… decided to ponder on my future somemore… I browsed for possibilities…. I like what I found…. I was somehow so geared on the idea n so I tried to call n inquire some more… unfortunately the operator's lousy… they just wont wana pick up… Fuck!

Anyways… I kinda found an option to a path I can turned to…. Some where promising… well some where I've owes wanted to be… or shud be! I know I needed to stand tall ther one day…. Its what I wanted to achieve so badly…. I wanted it so intensely n so love love the tot…. So at the end of the work hour…. As usual the sweet call ringing…. N I shared…. Sadly… the receiver transmitted a low frequency…. Not the high I was expecting…. The usher voice of support… n deng that pulled me under instantly….

I really wish to get a call from my star…. I looked up tho it was stil 6pm I saw the moon bright… it saw me driving alone wondering sadly of a long lost fren who'd pushed me harder n convinced me that - that is definitely what I shud do soon…. Plan yen plan it!

So I decided I need not to bother to ask for more than what I have received from the other end…. I already have a star to look up to n who'd shine on me no matter what I decide on…. Saying… "Yae yen You go Girl"…. Hehehe

Love you my star~ thanks for believing in me at my most desperate moments….

Exit

2010-04-23T21:37:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking of a way out…. The door to the singing birds that I hear humming sweetly outside…. To the breeze that cools my presence…. Sumtimes with a soothing whisper of hello how'v u been?

I was having a series of anxiety attacks again… used to it but I wasn't expecting it anymor since I haven't been encountering it for quite awhile now… worried!

So I went to get help… I am back on the meds…. It helps calms me down somehow… but the worrying just wont stop! Damnitz!

It’s the surrounding that triggers it… n m just to weak to handle it… darn… dats why I need the 'Fuck you' power to get by hahaha…. But somehow I jst din't want to tink about it…. M just being sooooo nice to everyone… n obviously ppl took advantage of it n treat me like a fool… n of cors making fun of me… like What the Fuck!! Well Fuck you!

I jst need to get up, stand up n be brave enough to not be a coward… why becoz I wanted to be nice? Since when? I am never nice to assholes n bitches…. Coz they don't deserve any of my respects so why shud i? RYT!!

No one deserves ur courtesy when they'r not being courteous, no one deserve apology when it was their fault, no one deserves any respect when they are rude n mean… no one definitely deserve anything… when they give you shits!

So in order for me to get off that ugly vibe… I decide to take a day off coz I am sick! After clinic getting the meds n arrangements I asked for… I tot hmmm….

I missed my time alone, wher I enjoyed my own company n the creativeness that comes buzzing thru… filled with lots of ideas… n I just love taking advantage of it…. So I bought some mee goreng, with my strawberry dutch lady… chocolate cookies… nicotine sticks to kill… and my camera…

I tot lets go for a cruise with anthony on the radio playing some oldies that I love… n end up finding a spot at serasa bt… aaaahhh its been awhile since I last sat on the rocks with my guitar strumming n just staring at the ocean… singing with the waves…. N feel the breeze… ain't that something or what…. I missed me so mch.. N I felt home…

So I took some shots…. N well it wasn't really a nice one… coz by the time I got there…. It was getting a wee bit dull… sunsets are at Tungku n sunrise is in Serasa.. So I purposely chose Serasa coz malas kan ke tungku…. So yae I missed the sunset obviously but that wasn't the point… I jst wanted to unwind… n find something there…. ME!

I needed to find my strength back… my self-esteem who used to say with full of confidence " I don’t givashit!" but now all I do is worry n get paranoid almost 24/7… damn must be the age factor…. But nope I don't believe in that shit… its just the power of the mind…. So if this can get me some piece of my mind back… I'm there…

So I did felt much better…. N depression is just one series of my usual ups and downs…. M just prone of it… I've owes mnaged to overcome it…. Especially when I get a good laugh with someone… I really needed it badly…. So if ther ain't anyone around… I got doreamon n the stars 'bintangku' to share with…. N ges what… its enuf for now….

This is it…. When depression strikes… you just need to find ur exit!

Strawberry Puff~

2010-04-19T21:33:00.002+08:00

I realised that…. Erm not much actually… I haven't been thinking much hehe….but frustratingly I seemed to be out-focused… get distracted easily n sumhow I feel kinda dumb!

Well dats for sure since I haven't been talking to anyone for a loooong time… m loosing my vocabs not that I ever used em properly… but seriously out of words to say…. I can't even answer the phone ryt… yiiishh… how embarassing!

Anyways…. I wanted to come up with some brilliant idea… I pondered n tinkered n yet… none… ahahah… darn! Kedamnitz! This strawberry puff is nice… but stil you want to inhale the burning smokes…. Why?? Becoz its harmful to u dats why!

We are prone to hazardous objects… we are attracted n attracts em… why? Perhaps the thrill.. The constant tot of it…. When will we ever learn to quit?!

I decided to find the connections to my long lost networks… its my attempt to be back in the circle… tho I do not know if m still accepted anywher… I din't really tot much abt that part… all I wanted to do is just try… if they say hi… yeay… if not… sokay :( hehehe

One only needs so mch frens at this stage… I don't really need much actually… I realised that… once u go n meet someone who are loose… who speaks of things (well others) u tend to participate n end up talking bad bt others as well… n look wher that leads? Trouble!

Therefore… I feel dat its best to limit oneself from frequent outings…. Its not bad chillin on ur own… with just ur tots n dreams… its better I ges… its wise… but too mch of urself can drive u nuts too… coz well ur mind just likes to argue with u! like u somehow don't believe what ur saying inside… n why is dat?!

Why can't we just believe in ourselves but yet seek for others opinion wen eventually it stil doesn't matter coz u only listen to urself… so why don't we just save ourself the time and arguments… n just believe it!

N make it real… believe in urself that ur capable.. Know that ur the best ther is… stop comparing urself with others for u don't know their journey… avoid judgment for its not ryt n not fair…. Let go of anger n eliminate annoyance n depression…. Its not hard…. Its just easily challenged! Hehe

I realised that everytime I am pissed, I jst don't wana be hold, I jst blurted out wat I wana say… the purpose is to hit the target as much as I can… kill the bastard!! But then when I find myself calm… I regret it all at once… I mean… what the hell did I do? I have turned into a monster…. N I killed the poor man… yes he deserves some punishment but not cruelty…. Damnit yenni… u did it again! Shame on u!

Next time I need to remember this… anytime I feel the grudges… I need to find something to hug…. N ges what… hugging is nice n sweet… n it is better than pointing fingers…. Tho it mite feel like suffocating at first becoz of cors ur pissed n ticked off, u jst wana tear his head off… instead hug the sweetie lil bunny…. Squeeze him hard so he can't breathe… n then just munch him n bunch him n pinch him like EEEeeeeeeee!!!!!

Yae that sounds like a great plan… hehe… just like a strawberry puff… sweet toxic free heeeee :)

The ME

2010-04-18T01:07:00.021+08:00

Going thru my old pics I realised the changes… so clear n cruel… I totally have lost myself when once I promised myself that I wont change…

I used to say u gota be cruel to be kind… now I ges I am being kind n its cruel! Somehow I took things too seriously when no one does… silly me… why did i? no one really cared bt frenships, no one cared bt how others feel… coz everyone is so self-centered… n nothing else matters..

It was two years ago… when my photos seems so filled with smiles… none make believe… I was really living carefree not wanting to bother bt the unnecessary things… yes I was ever heartbroken…. But then I recovered marvelously… getting myself back on my feet… I seem to heal faster than expected which made me seem cold n heartless but hey thumbs up to moi!

Now I am bottling things up, wont even whisper em to the passing wind.. Afraid to cause a stir… wasn't I a hurricane before… n ppl can say shits bt it but again… whose making all the fuss when m passing thru creating chaos? I just don’t givashit!

The present seem to be the total opposite… I'd crunch in n crack deep… I just keep it still n do nothing abruptly coz this is me… now!

Am I happy wif myself? Certainly not… m not fitting in nicely… I ain't even singing my own song…. I donno most of the tunes m humming to… what the hell is wrong with me… gawd! I lost my self-esteem n sumhow nothing seems certain anymore… my opinions doesn't matter n I don’t wana give any…. Fear has struck n left me dazed n confused… not the kinds I am familiar with but one that made me nauseous unable to scream out…. I am outside looking in floating around wondering what,wher, when n how?

Definitely something changes… I was grateful tho but then… wher am i? why am I asking questions again.. Darn I don’t wana seem ungrateful n unfaithful… I am indeed deeply grateful.. Great!

I have muted all the noises so I can sleep soundlessly… when I used to sleep with the stereo on…. I used to go out during the heavy rain now I hid under my blanket feeling blessed to be home ol cozy…. I used to want to make new connections n make jokes… now I just listen n unable to respond… mumbs n dumb n numb! Eurgh!!

The me is slowly killing me softly with its song…. Unfamiliar, unknown… untruthful.. Just simply out tempo n bumped!

Me…. Me…. Me… its me!

i wanna shout!

2010-04-12T18:24:00.006+08:00

i jst wana shout out loud but m completely shut... Fuck!

Trying hard to get by ech fucking day wiithout d damn grudges but sumhow sumwher ther r just sum tings dat make u wna go fuck!

So what if it makes me happy, dyu know why? Of cors u hf no idea! So what d fuck?!

I cant tel nor be understood wateva it is its lost in shitty emotions dat only wants to take control but not wanting to hold the responsibility owes pointing at me for blame!

I rly need a sanctuary wher i am able to scream out n jst say fuck s mch s i want.... Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it!

N so it is.... Full of fucking shits ol d way... M so pissed off!

Whistling

2010-04-09T22:53:00.004+08:00

I missed the sound of breeze that calms my soul… I missed the mile walks, I missed the easy strumming of my guitar n I seriously missed whistling along a tune on my own…

It has been awhile I lost touch of my creativities, my sensitivities instead are driving me nuts… I realised I haven't been myself for quite some time now… yes I realised this… n I missed me too much!

It's just awesome when u weren't counting the days n not knowingly it has months passed n ur due for something… I am currently being on that ladder n staying on it still… feels like m progressing n that’s a good thing… slowly yet surely I am in tune n I love the feeling… knowing that I am still capable of doing new things in a jiff! Awesome!

Haven't fulfilled my planner yet… specifically I haven't went swimming yet… only dieting so far ther's results n m glad hehehe…. Yeeeeee….

Relationships been great… alhamdullilah… we'r stil dancing…. Of cors ther r times when we stay quiet pretending that we were fine…. When in actual fact we jst wanted to smash our heads on the wall… but then we wud laugh n laugh n then love some more hehehe… I know… suweet init!

I ges d real reason for this short journal is that my tots wondered again… wondered to wher I've been… n how it used to be… I missed it so very much… especially the times when I was having so much fun… n I worried n feared for the dayz when I wud become funless n so silent…. N here I am in that state… wondering n telling myself this "it ain't that bad yen!"

Being grateful for every step I made, trying to be gud n better in every way I cud… n jst smile where ther r sunshine, n tell the stars that I am fine… even the moon sees the difference in me n won't come out, coz somehow I seemed too dull to be frens with…. I lack imaginations… n constantly keep on thinking of the next best thing, but so far… nada! Owell… I am positive that it'll come by sometime soon wen I least expect it… it owes does… n its jst great!

Anyways… so far this is me… whistling back at ya…. I miss you so terribly yenni :)

Hmmm

2010-03-13T23:54:00.003+08:00

I must have been thinking a lot again.. About the most unnecessary things that doesn't need much of my attention…

But then it does not stop me from it… I thought about the past, well not often but I did… I mostly think abt the present n the future… yes here we go again!

I feel as if thers no balance… I tire when I ain't resting but I ain't slowing down n cooling off when I am… I wanted to do nothing when m rushed but I felt so stupid when I am lying around wif no agendas…

Hmm I don't even haf the mood to read.. Haven't finished 'the hobbit' yet.. Mr bilbo the burglar n the dwarves are still stuck in the mountains… worrying about smaug at d moment.. N I don't have the thrill yet to read on…

Wats wrong now yen?

I was quite thrill few months ago.. Does everyone else feels d same way? Oohh I hope so… I hope it is the weather n the phase that triggers n affects my mood… n so does everyone else… darn.. I just don’t haf a clue how to get out from this blue moon…

Well perhaps it has to happen… once in a blue moon ryt… hehe… yae maybe!

Anyways… I had my great happy days… n dat was of being wher I am now… n dat shud be enuf to remind me that.. Its all gud n great plus awesome wif fabulousity that comes wif it hehe…

Hmmm.. Stil I wonder.. N ponder… but m just gona doze off n think more in my dreams…. It makes more sense when m there hehe….

Like a balloon

2010-03-12T22:19:00.002+08:00

Have been feeling bloated for the past few dayz… my tummy just feels like a balloon…

Hows things lately? Nothing much other than livin life simple n tryin not to be complicated… tho ther are dayz that I just wanted to be free of obligations but we ol know it’s the routine things that keeps us sane..

I've lost tracks of the latest news, eventho I held the newspaper everyday but I jst din't really read the news… funny when I used to write bt it… hehe…

Ask me bt my feelings… I feel tired… I somehow feel restless… keep on talking to my mind… at some point I jst wana keep it shut… but that got me a huge massive headache… haha

I dno what is it that made me feel so tense.. N so tired at the same time.. I keep on thinking of getting goggles… I needed to go swim soon… need to exercise… rest well.. I tink I haven't had proper rest yet… to jst sleep it off.. N not shrug.. Things are fine… n m grateful for it… but sumhow sumthing felt missing… the fun!

I knew it'll turned the way it is… funless.. Life has begun to be more serious… n tense… how do we find the spices to turn the right music on n lights on.. N then dance to it? I have forgotten!

I don't feel gud bt myself… I tink that’s one thing that triggers it… n I dno wher to start to feel gud nemore… it all begins from within… but again how?

Watched alice in wonderland… it was a good movie as expected…. The world that doesn't makes sense… will u last long staying ther… but sum part of it.. Its such a great idea… coz nothing is impossible ther… but then come to tink abt it… nothing is impossible in d real world as well… so why do we need fantasy?

We have the will to make things happen, we have our choices to make… we either like it or we don't…. So if it doesn't really appeal to u.. Try it anyway hehe.. It cud be nice… hehe

I know I say bt all this things to keep my feet moving… but I tend to stop doubting it… n then I just stop n sat wondering somemore.. Haha I know screwed man! Ooo I missed that!

Perhaps I'm in the big ball wher ppl are all wearing gowns n heels, waiting for the orchestra to start… n I din't feel right coz I felt like I din't belong ther…. M waiting to go to the next hall to party with my sneaks n just shake like I don’t care… but who knows it cud be fun… why not ryt hehe…. Ballroom dancing cud be great!

M lying here waiting for the next best idea to strike.. But I ges it aint coming any sec… so I'll jst leave tis… wif bloated like a balloon either waiting to burst out or float higher… either way… it’s a great awesome idea hehe :)

Pointing At!

2010-03-10T18:23:00.003+08:00

I feel like my feet has touched the other side but the other is still stuck inside… deciding on what or when…

Confuse again?!

Well its nothing about my relationship, its kinda about how things goes along in my days… I sumtyms feel like m hopping to where I am n to wher I'll be at… but sometimes I just feel like going back to cuddle up in my cozy nest not wanting to bother abt the day… coz its such a good day to dream aaaahh…

But I think that's what the other half of me usually do… I just wanna do nothing else other than dreaming… n dream big she saz… but dats all I cud do.. Just dreaming… but it managed to bring me high eeee… I luv that feeling…

The other head wants a constant reality check… wanting a brighter day when the rain just soothes the other me… just owes loving the traffic n the fast pace of the world.. Leaving me dazed with amusement that m alive…. N this is as good as it gets… n if thers more better things to achieve… more power to it!

I started to resent this person… well most probably becoz it has the power to yell n put blames on my shoulder has it wishes… eventho it was its own mistakes or perhaps own silliness that failed to realised n admits but just pushes ol the shits ur way becoz they can!

N this is the biggest motivator for a person to quit that instant… it keeps on sighing at the back of my head telling me to be patient coz it'll only take me few more earth rotations to get the hell outa here… so dat idea comforts me that knowing I wont be staying being a mere assistant who gets blamed for their mistakes forever even better not for long…. Heheh… m going somewhere… n dis is ol temporary for moi… m going further up ther… n m gona soar higher wher they wont be able to catch me n look up to me as they go along calling my name…

Thank you… great conscious me… thanks for motivating me with great nasty cool mean supportive n just awesomely fabulous idea… hehe… I love it!

So for now.. They can yell or point fingers as they wish.. Becoz they can.. But that state is a loop.. For other fingers are also pointing at them.. It’s a whirl of fate… everyone is pointing at someone! So don't get upset bt it… u r merely pointing at them from an angle behind a person who is actually infront of them giving a finger to their face huh!

Sigh* m grateful stil

2010-03-04T21:27:00.010+08:00

Feeling kinda demotivated somehow...

Lazy... somehow i feel like i haven't had enuf rest n off dayz... i feel tired.. perhaps i've been too hyped for the past weeks... as i said... Feb was one hectic month for moi..

i got engaged on valentines instead of celebrating chinese new year... yup the year of the tiger brought me some strong vibes... m blessed, alhamdullilah!

wif that comes some more responsibilities n crackin... jst watched groove again.. darn missed those crazeeessss wheeezesss...

Life has been different for me now... i dont even think ppl around me knew me nemore... i'm caught in a very unfamiliar turf.. wher i am hard to talk to.. i just keep a distance... for safety... i ges its wise!

i dedicated most of my time in productivity... being pro-active is a challenged... especially when i am hit wif a blurry shot... i am soo loooww~

i'm tryna get back to that glee mode... need to read some more.. though i managed to get the tings i've wanted so far.. but ges never been into materials... so it doesnt really boost me up...

loving is blissful... my significant lover is being understanding n caring... i thank god for that.. i hope it stays that way... the change in status gave quite a wave to others... i know it was pretty much sudden.... wasn't planning on it... well its just me love being spontaneous.. hehe

neways i went for a full body massage yesterday., afterrrr soooo long... even the masseuse said m tense... n i got myself some pokkadot tattoos hehe... bebakam yo.. emm nyaman.. sakit yoww!!

i finally got the nicotine stick after desiring it for years... its been in my wishlists... its my one attempt to quit smoking... its cool.. m greenpuffin now.. its strawberry n i like it hehe...

i pondered everytime m on the road alone... thinking back to the past journeys i passed thru.. my frens n my twisted wicked route... it was a blast... i managed to get here safely... n i am still held by the one i wanted before... tho it was hard for us both... but as what was told... thers owes a reason for everything...

we get hurt so that we learn the pain.. we knew misery so we can appreciate more the next day... we learn to loose so we will find better... we learn to forgive so we know why we need to be forgiven after our own mistakes....

We know our real true frens when we least expect it... we get bruised when we were being too careful... but we learn to live up each day being absolutely fine when we din't bother so much... we are bless when we show gratitude...

Ppl change n tings go wrong... but owes remember that life goes on~

Secret To End Report

2010-01-20T09:33:00.002+08:00

'A Secret to end report'…. Being a secretary ends my reporting days….

I do missed it a lot… though I was holding so much unfriendly thoughts about it… the fact of crashing events and being inclined to write about unfavorable agenda kinda sux… but the time was perfect for moi… it is definitely for me… I owes love writing… my article was featured on my last weekend bulletin… udah ahir wah… but I planned to send in more features… for extra income.. Insyallah!

But as I said I wanted a change… n whether I like or acknowledged it or not… I have fused to being someone… the more thoughtful and patient pickachooo... Hehe

My last day at the Press was quiet and quick.. Its felt like a calm smooth death that I let go… it was sad though the fact I din't get the chance to say proper farewell to everyone… especially those who was kind n nice to me during my stay…

It was suppose to be the day after the last but unfortunately I was blown off to fume… n somehow I was burning the furnace till the evening… hating the one that creates the fusion… when I was perfectly stable the day before, slowly grasping and preparing my journey to the new level… but as we all know… people tend to give u more troubles the higher u get… antah ah!

I wasted that burning fire day not with farewells but with unwell being that would not forgive nor forget the day that marked the most disappointing n frustrating date in my journal and so does it in my life… I dare say… massacre upon those who tries to make my life harder than it already is, n to those who shows n gives me pain will neither receive my mercy or empathy…. I say I hope u DIE! :)

Therefore simply DO NOT cause anymore troubles n please do not create unnecessary problems with me… I've had enuf of my share n I don't need no more shits…

Anyways my sweetheart was making such good efforts to get me in the flowery mood… Well Done!! Nicely put n presented…. Only that my flowers are mostly dead… m gona ask mom to get me some more next month… hehe.. I want my purple roses… m a sucker… n plants die on me… hehe but m gona learn to be more livelier and lovelier to all living things hehe…

I started sewing class already.. Tho I missed cooking class… hehe I am very much anticipating on it… I got things linedup everyday… mostly I try to rest as much as I could… but I need to redo the percentage n do more n less rest…. Now that’s productive while being proactive…

My new job as the Executive Secretary is very much confidential… so not gonna elaborate on that.. Basically I like the job n the room… DATS IT! Hehe… no further comments… lalalala~

K till the next beechin…. :)

Darn Flu

2010-01-07T13:26:00.002+08:00

Time Ticks not waiting for the wasteful and sick.. no matter what the condition is.. one needs to keep on striving and keep its gratitude fully impact inside the red inner bag...

M hit by the flu... not the dangerous one alhamdullilah but yae the normal, annoying, sneezing, sniffing kind... eaurgh! but i do appreciate the drastic change in my voice.. call me and find out.. just how terribly sexy it sounds.. haha jgn jeles ;p

i feel like reading again somehow... n i just realised the downside of not wanting to take pictures of urself... there's none to see... well yae i do agree that one needs to be vain sometimes... its the self satisfaction... who cares ryt hehe

aaahh krg begambar brabis ku ni... jeles ku aku nada gmbr bisai2... hahaha... jaga modelling tah ku ni hahah prasan.. of cors perasaan confident itu penting utk kesihatan mental... agree?!

anyways.. i think i need to finish the anti-biotics... itu pasal ler aku kena sakit lgi... hehe.. tak disiplin langsung ;p

i love this photo i took while bbq-ing last year...

Waking Up with The Moon

2010-01-05T23:47:00.005+08:00

I feel like such a good girl today… antah ah somehow it feels like I did good today… u know how ur day just seems fine, ur fine, everything is just perfectly fine though thers some troubles but u stil say 'FINE!' hehe just love it… but damn its been awhile I haven't felt this way…

I followed thru my milestone as scheduled… erm… well some ideas aren't fulfilled but well I did half of it and that is a job well done for me hehehe… sekadar… but yeah it feels great.

I found and learn some characters today… the good and the bad… I know and understood why… I am getting there somehow… I'm getting to the zone of networks… slowly n patiently… insyaallah I'll get there soon enuf :)

I know I have neglected my beautiful white lily… I missed thee a lot.. A gud fren and a sister to me…

New year has passed without you,

when years ago it was u to scream the joy with,

but now time has really fold the cards

where we tend to shuffle off guard

not knowing what, where to begin or to start…

getting close and then apart

No matter how easy or hard

YOU are always close in my HEART :)

I found new frens along the way… as owes it is the opposite that attracts… I think I am prone to guy frens than the ladies… perhaps of my masculinity yg menyerlah kegagahannya wawawa…

I also made gurlfrens… I like them a lot… n I think we made a new found discover that underneath all the makeups and shit… we're still those lil girls shouting out needing guys attention hahaha…. I know annoying but darling hehe… cmon guys I know u love it hahaha ;p

We still stand tall though we tend to fall

For gents also for those kinda 'asshole'

We don’t need sticks to play hardball

When we Scream out loud the Big will seem sooo SMALL!!

(hahaha wateva it rhymes :p)

Basically what m tryna say is…. Woman rule… we make the mistakes coz we let ourselves be the fools, we cry becoz we don’t wana scream out loud, we apologize becoz we know we don’t wana fyt, we understand coz we know it’s the only way, we keep it to ourselves coz we know its pointless, we shared coz we need the strength from others, We FALL in love coz we know we are LOVED, We LOVE so much coz we thought it is worthed… we hurt ourselves coz we love…. So I say if love fuck us over… FUCK IT!

Of cors no matter what we tend to pretend that we hate, wen in actual fact we cudn't stop thinking bt the bastard…. No matter what we say… the truth is We just love em so much with all our heart… we'r bunch of suxers for love… Sigh*

The times i spend are both lovely and suffocating... i dno which was it that gives me more... the living or the breathless part... i know the dayz are filled with so much loving and grudges but to trust is to not doubt, to love is not to hate, to care is not to ignore and to share is not to close door... i pray forever lasting... our laughter shall mark the walls with portraits and colours which when we begin was so much more than taints of black and white... it was cast with rainbows and the feelings just flows... i do love thee so much :)

I like the music and lyrics that kissed my cheeks to say take care and locks me up in a safe box.. I know thee and thy know me… we are the same as the music that sings the lyrics meaning.. The melody that tells a story of a once upon a time where frens become lovers and lovers become enemies and where love is found then lost by fate and then discovered elsewhere by someone else from a different chapter and the story goes on and on… until u finally fall asleep and then Wake up again with the Moon shining :)

Hakuna Matata

2010-01-04T17:04:00.005+08:00

How did i managed to go on each day? Smiling and tryna laugh helps abit i guess :)

i did my medical check but the people are just eurgh! marimalas kan ckap... lalalala~ owh n my sister safely gave birth to a baby boy at 3pm just now... now i have 17 nephew and nieces... hehe can't wait to see the lil bugger kekeke

Bought tudong (checked), antar kain kadai jahit (checked).... my room is finally done.. thank god...tqs to syg though kusut mengusut jua lehnya but still very much grateful to thee :)

my days are filled with constant worries, whether i like it or not i just gota strive harder to keep on breathing coz m grateful to god for how my life has turned up so far... alhamdullilah!

i am tired from going out for the past few dayz... work and other stuff.. some are fun some are just darn dreadful!

i wana jump up for joy but somehow things just wont let me be at ease... i am tired of complaining but i ges its the rhythm of life that one needs to follow.... let the wave bring me to its course... thankfully alive!

i dreamt of non-stop laughter.. cheers that lifts me up to the sky... spread my wings and just go further beyond reach... be motivated and all... i know it is within my grasp just waiting for the time to soar high higher n high!

i missed that feeling of flying.. even in my dreams i havent encountered it yet.. perhaps its affected by my solemn depression... i am happy but sigh* i ges its just gota be the way it is for now... one thing at a time yen.. coaxing myself to believe it... n i do!

family slowly reunites... gathers around the round table to sing some songs we all remembered... the blues and the cheery ones... we just wanted to stay there... i am thankful for it.. n my mom seems happy bout it.. miss daddy :)

dad is back just need to make some time to drop by and asked for some blessings... though we all fall apart eventually we all go back to where we once belong... there is no place like home and there aint noone who understands u better than those who shares the same blood flowing in ur veins... those whom we called our siblings....

here i am listening to some old tracks, tryna calm my weary soul... it soothes me as ever.. thinking of those music and lyrics... not realising it but i think i am so attuned to it already... the song keeps on playing in my head somehow.... BHOH KE-DOI!!! hahaha

Anyways... gona go swim later.. need the exercise to trim down my fat belly... wawawa... aaahh ignore aja... m gona nap for awhile before that happens... then gona go see my new born baby nephew...

Thankz Sweetie for the dayz :)

2010-01-02T12:02:00.008+08:00

Dayz gone by, one sticks around and help me out with so much tqs syg :)... especially painting my room wawawa... ani kami memanat dgn laptop sorg2 hehe..
Ani time kambang mengambang mengambil laptop baru hehehe... sronoknyeee... mwahz

owh this is the fullmoon last nite... aku tunggu2 tak juga dtg2 vampire bf ku ituh...

my room is almost done, lajuuuu cari handle tabir g... pisaan payah jua mencari ah. i'll upload the finish product soon, once its done hopefully sok lalalala~

This is as a reminder i was there once... Brunei Press... I love the times though at sometimes i jst wana sleep and not wake up to work hehehe :p

update again soon.. i gtg go mandi-manda kan crash somebody's beach party wawawa :)

NEW yeaR 2010

2010-01-02T10:18:00.006+08:00

Alhamdullilah, we all safely arrived in 2010, bringing all kinds of memories with us..

As for me I bring my December 2009 for kicking start my new life… I got a job, n my room is almost done with its new look and I got MICA…

I know the year will perhaps move as fast as how much it did the year before.. I wish things will bring more happiness and less sorrows ahead.. Amin!!

There has been new experiences ever since the day I cried 'the music and lyrics' that soothes and calms me… it made me laugh with so much joy I thank you for that :)

My purple passion is another gift to satisfy… hehe.. I did splurge when I can but mostly to the benefits of my new surrounding.. Trying to make a better living in every corner possible… insyaallah!

I know my resolution but as any other years before I never shout it out only to the stars and moon who could understand… the meaning of unspoken promises… whether it shall redeem myself from past failures or will it bring me to new heights.. We shall see and count the days :)

I am anticipating on the new track playing.. I mean what songs will be played for me to dance to… I hope its lively and fun.. Bigger challenges awaits and we shall throttle on like it’s the days of our lives hehehe (whatever that means)

Faces emerges, frenships connected, fires burn and dimmer along the way.. Cherished n treasured… one should know which one is worth to keep, just like my things I've collected since secondary school, my days of being the princess are now way past behind… I've grown up n my memories are still strong… but I need more space to keep new lines of memories and stuff… therefore old stuff have to go in which my nieces are more than grateful to retrieve them from me… "aku mau buncu!" hehe

When I stop for a moment to reminisce I thought, " wow new year, this is a big number of 10, I predicted years ago I'd just wave to old frens n be awkward in their presence, n yes I was ryt".. But I ges it depends on which frens I encountered… frens come n go but not good ones, they stay for a long time coz they were born to be ur alliance :)

I was thinking on stacking tudongs n hanging more baju kurungs that need to be bought n freshly made since it wasn't ever my favourite thing to do since childhood (hehe dat was my mom's job) now I need to start going to kadai kain bali kain murah n putung baju… sigh*

Those time when I was still with my big size jeans that usually gets ripped off biasaler skateboarder chic hahah my dudes said "yen I can't imagine u one day being a lady buying kain citing 'AAAiii lawa kain ah' n make lots of em with maniks and ol" n of course it came with a big laugh wawawawa…. I was so damn sure I wont! But hey here I am.. Thinking of 'dimana kan bali tudong ah' hahaha antam ko yen!

AAAAhhh aku nervous lah hahahha… matai des… pissseeeenn lalalala~

Hehe iski pun ada, takwuuut pun ada… dush dush pun ada… aduuuhhh

Anyways aku bangun awal sja kan manat ngusai bilik sal payah wah aku nada off ah.. Eh hehe not complaining but my room is looking good yehhaaa…

I went with Fai for food review at All Stars Sports Cafe for the New Year Dine in promo... it was yummey hehe.. especially the dessert... sayangnya nda tehabis kan owell hehe...HAPPY NEW YEAR :)

Well new year… I am new though I am there before but I am here today to smile to you… so if ur nice, come by and sing my songs with good musics and lyrics to sing to but if ur dead I say god bless n hope for the best coz that’s all we could expect when things go wrong but remember life goes on :)

Banned for life!

2009-12-21T03:37:00.003+08:00

Damn, i was just minding my own business, just tryna get a life back, smiling here and there, whistling to a tune but somehow... at the end of the day interrogations made me feel i was doing something wrong!

WTF?!! Since when was i leashed? Owh ryt.. i forgot.. i was marked! The fuck!! I have never done anything else other than being faithful, and i give no reason for anyone to doubt me! but again n again... years after years... still the d same old thing... (dont even dare ask me what this blog is all about!) mun paham bisai...

I have given my all, my time and devotions for what?! to still be grounded on what terms? WHAT????

If you tink it was a simple question, then just ask, but if it is not a question instead an investigation then put the file away and just go shoot urself! Coz you should know better there is nothing to worry about.. what u need to worry is What The FUCK!

AAAArrghhh!! SAsakkkuu ehhh... Awuu sasakku! no dont make it such a big deal.. this is me then JUST LEAVE IT!

DONT even try to justify anything, do what u must but do not spread it and burn it... i say, do what i want... so does anyone else in this world including YOU! i have never limit anyone for what they deserve, their damn freedom and the last time i checked... i was too!

Antah eh... GO FIGURE!!

Its 21st December 2009

2009-12-21T02:45:00.002+08:00

Aiya.. another one week plus to go to 2010... m i prepared... haha bila jua.. but anticipating still!!

M back to my memanat self again, i kinda missed it, though somehow nowadays i am more bangang... i ges its my boomerang.. keke... mun paham bisai :p

work is fine... life is great, love bloomingdale... parut kembang kempis... rambut makin panjang.. n my 26 yr old hormones are still unstable... hmmph!! insyallah.. esok lusa complete transformation... jaga makin lawa tah ku ni hahaha prasan.. makin lampuh ada... wawaa

Yeaarghh... new yr yeyeye... apakan! k lah gmbr ku uploaded dah... m done here :p

Beaching at Muara

2009-12-20T01:41:00.045+08:00

Hehe sakaiii lama udah inda ke pantai muara... i was amazed by the transformation... its just bravoo brilliantly renovated...

Since i was there with syg and family bbq i took some shots, and dari tadi balik kaja til now aku manat ngedit gambar pisyaaann... but as owes i love it!!!
what i've owes realised about being the photog was you wont be in the pics much hhaha... so well gud thing we remembered to take few shots of us while we were there....
My god bangang ku eh hahaha... panatzzzz

Syg dengan posing macho nya lalala~
most of the time i took the opportunity to click on the models for the day... Bibi latingz and cuzen2 semua... the 'melating posh girls' hehe aaaahh its gud to be sooo young :)
Ani dorang panat kan lumpat2 hehe adorable bebs.....
and of cors the sweet lil ones... i only upload some of it here...
ani anak orang nda ku tau siapa, but he's sooo cute jua... and very frenly and likes his photo taken.. so aku layan lah hehe... he kept on saying "tuuu pantai!"

It's a new year old

2009-12-19T00:51:00.019+08:00

So whatsup wif yen?

Life is fabulous, it is just absolutely awesome, Great! My glass if half full finally...

That's how i like to think of it now.. its been awhile since i've been shut down from the world.. with no air to breathe, nothing to say and nowhere to go... i'm practically exiled!

Somehow god has been hearing my prayers, every now and then i whispered in solitude and wish that my life will get better... enough with the sighing and weighing, its time to go flying hehehe

i saw the dance that moves me, i missed it, i dread it too... with time my legs are cramped from too much extremities of my past doings, but i stomped still strong where i can stand on my grounds once more.

The sad stories are still singing why, the weariness are on and off but i tend to decide which tune to follow and the rhythm quiets down the unthoughtful drumming in my mind.. i relished it and are grateful yet... for i know good things will come and come what may!

Anyways... it was my birthday after the last, never thought the time has sped up leaving me dazed with the year i have grown older... wiser yes, patience is what i've learnt... friends i've live without and one i've grown so fond of...
i thought i have wasted so much time, but as the day turns to nyt, it only felt like a few seconds away that i've realised things from good and bad.. being the ever optimistic soul, i learn to get by each day and always cast a smile upon my chin and take a shot where i saw potential memorable portrait to frame..
Work life has been fine, new acquaintances that filled my weekdays with chatts and thoughts also lessons to learn from... some are good and some are ermm... well the opposite but of cors thats the way in life, everything is just calculatively balance!

Coping with agendas, journalism is challenged, modifications are required but one needs to follow the rules and regulations... i am obliged.. not gona sigh but just a lil bit of ''aiya".... heheh
I got my Mica now, she's red and reliable... she'll bring me to many trips and we'll sing along on our destinations with my old tracks from college yehhaaa the breeze and the cruise again... i love it! i thank god for that... n my number is back, being terminated for 7 months has kept me in oblivion for periods of unwanted insanity but yet humorous and thick... i learnt alot by keeping myself lonely... it makes me appreciate and focus more on so much bullshits hahaha
so anyways.. i hope this will be the beginning of more beginnings to come... i leave the lines with.... LIFE is absolutely FAB!

Dreaming while it rains

2009-10-18T00:41:00.004+08:00

My nephew Ajim happens to be outside wif his Mp3 so why not jadi model tarus hehe

Charcoals from last year bbq (kiddin)

Marilah menjamur baju diwaktu hujan yeaayy

Here i am again, memanat dgn poto-poto... i checked facebook for Keejs baby photos and there he was the cute baby Ash... i tried to leave some comments but somehow it kept on ilang-mengilang mengapakah ia... some of the reason why i hate FB wif a kepisan connection... Anyways Che2 i wish u all the best in ur parenthood era.. Congrats!!

These are some photos i took today while the day is shady n cool... the rain is just soothing nowadays... i am lucky to have been on bed when the heavy rain starts drumming outside hehe... especially when one is sleeping under a bednet aaahh... dreammm awayyyy~

Aaahhh Uuuhh Aaahh

2009-10-05T00:53:00.003+08:00

Lalalalala~

Raya is passing, i dint received any raya greetings coz my phone has been terminated... so m sorry to those who wasted their credits sending to my number... hehehe....

Tak terasa plak, two months we'll be done n over with 2009. well so far this year hasn't been really the best for me... stil waiting n hoping for the best thing to happen... sigh*

I stayed in ever since 2009 started, sleeping, waking, sighing, weighing, pondering n bla bla bla... passing time.... i am currently doing a project... m weaving a poncho... its 30% done by now... menyulam ku nyanta... wawawa nada kraja.... at least it'll keep me warm once its done... hehe

i lost track of friends and other agendas going around outside the walls... well thats becoz m currently without any means of communication availability... no internet, no phone n no transportation... GREEEAAAT!! anyways m still alive here weighing 54kg n my hair is below shoulder length and hmm.. wat else... owh m still jobless... nothing new on that yet...

i am also training for a part-time tour guide... it was fun n well at least i get to go out n meet a lot of old sweet darling people whose cruising on the big Costa ship. It can be very exciting hehe.... at least thats what i told myself.... saja kan menyaman kan ati... wat else is there to look forward to nowadays... well for me that is.... wawawa piseeeeen...

my hotmail inbox is overflowing as well... havent got the chance to go thru that yet... so i missed alot of things currently..... well hopefully i'll be able to get back to d cycle of society very soon... damnit m getting really numb, dumb n bumped! bangang wah ku... aaah uuuh iiihhh.. haha :p

Anyways to all who are still visiting this forsaken not updated blog of mine n who also send nice SHR greetings to me i'd like to wish u all SELAMAT HARI RAYA maaf zahir dan batin... n nope i havent forgotten bt u ppl.... m just currently lost to the world... or shud i say currently off the ground..

ermm... watelse is there to say.... antah ah... bangang ku wah... i've been shutting up quite alot now... it is so unlike me... i actually dint realise i am capable of shutting up hahaha... but of course the tots stil wonders like crazy as usual... as if theres any antidote for that ryt... i wish!

i've been having nightmares, weird dreams that i owes welcome, new faces unknown to me in my life n just funny things in lalaland.... i indulged n usually i forced myself back to sleep to know how the story ends.... but as i awake... i lost grip of it... sigh*

if only we can create our own dreams n just live there during sleeping period.... wont that be fun... especially for people like me who got nothing meaningful to do... wheeeeeeee~

anyways... dats it for now... i'll probably be back in months to come wawawa.....

On & on

2009-08-13T23:41:00.002+08:00

On & on, i dream awake and dream asleep to close my eyes and shut it tight, though in my wake and in my sleep i know i'm dreaming on both sweet sight...

As i awake from my sleep that usual starts with a struggle, it does the same as i am awakening... i just dont want to get up... was it the dreams or was it the day that tells me its another day m gonna waste... sigh*

At nite when all is quiet and people starts to doze off to the dreamlands' mirage.. i lay await for this mind to shut off and just be at ease... but frustrated by the dark surrounding.. i see more than i should've... i see the view of my life, just like in a cinema, you can only see the movie clearly as they turned off the lights... and thats the focus of it all... and there it is my life flashes... a rerun of things i've forgotten and rememembered... so divine and vivid... it reminds me and i went back and forth... just trying to go to sleep... damnit!

what i realise is, we missed certain or perhaps most things in life when we do not stay focus.. and cmon lets face the fact.. it is not easy to focus on things that we hardly notice... and by having this reruns... we may go back see where it all began.. how our future is ruled by this rule of steps we made coincidently or on purpose...

i know i ain't making any sense again as usual but i just feel like expressing my thoughts again when it has been awhile since i said damnit! haha... i missed the rains mist on the my face as it breezes through the car window while i am cruising alone along jerudong road just singing thru a tune.. i missed the sweeping of my feet to the ground while i am swinging on the swing while watching the fireworks display on festival dayz... i missed the ride on my bike circling around the house when it was still new, i missed that callings of my name from those whom i call frens...

But most of all i missed myself when all i did was daydream at nite and fantasize my way thru the day... just wishing and hoping for something that made my day :)

i was filled with joy and aspirations, inspirations, imaginations, no wonder i had to much expectation as i grew up... owh n i miss tumbling down the small hill behind the house with my fairy stick and wearing gown.. i tumble down over and over again on dirt... dat was fun...

I know i am so naive, i know i am slacking... and one thing for sure i am slowing down... though my mind just keeps rapidly racing and wondering... there is no stopping sign... i cherished... i am grateful to thee.. i have learnt so much and are still learning more...

this is lifes best moments... when one dreams, pray and pondered and remembered the dayz gone by with a smile... i missed it so much :)

Back again! hehe lalala~

2009-07-13T18:54:00.009+08:00

Wow its been a month now... atu lamaaa...

i've been quarantining myself berkubang diatas katil selama sebulan untuk menyebuhkan sakit hati yang sememngnya menyakitkan hati inih! namun aku tetap saja tersenyum kerna hati ini memang sudah biasa haha apakan?! ANtam ;[ lalalala~

Anyways... just some pics i took while berkubang dirumah menalor...

Wasap neh?!

Ehem sapa kan tu?! Macho eh..

My Elder brother Bg Ned

Syafwan the youngest of the brothers

The big boyz who calls me Buncu now huskier voice keke

Mommy's creation

The sweet angelic face of Nadhirah

The great poser lil mis baby Girl runs in the family no doubt! hehe

haha ilang kiut slajuuur~

Random shots with the phone cam

2009-05-29T18:12:00.011+08:00

My one and only sister with Nabillah

@Empire for the erm i dont remember.. something to do with business forum.. thats Jul n Sur n me buang boreng...

@Canteen Business School... AAhh those dayz... missed it! Kana panggil Auntie.. kurang asam... Well this is
Nonoy and Fefee~

And of cors my fave random shot.... Hehee Nadhirah
Tryna show-off her nice ring... she quote
"lawakan buncu!!" haha cute

The sweet nieces

2009-05-28T22:00:00.006+08:00

The nieces~

Brown eyes girls

Look at her big eyes (sweet Nabillah)

Nana & yayah

Shasha (the wild one)

The sistas

I was playing around with the nieces today. I have seven now, maybe adding soon. yup more 'anak buah' to come.

I missed their laughter since i haven't been hanging out with the gals lately, i thought i'd capture some of the moments here...

They were delighted and excited to get their pictures taken... thats the sweet part of being soo young, anything is just so exciting and full of fun. I envied them. With no troubles in their minds, they just foolishly play along and laugh aloud as if the day is just another play. It's nice and merry having these kids around.. they made me laugh too...

They dream such as I... and we dream away as we wish!!

Bimbos and Bitches

2009-05-22T19:18:00.006+08:00

How do you differentiate between a bimbo and a bitch?!

Well just some of my observations. Being a Bimbo or a Bitch ain't bad but it jst gets on your nerve sometimes or perhaps most of the time hehe..

I can see the difference between these two by their behaviors and actions. Scenarios are a better way of explaining this.

For example when you meet these two types and you wonder if like you or not;

Bimbo : "Heeyyyyyy (with full enthusiasm)how've u been? You look gorgeous by the way (Smiling :))" then with that they turned around while rolling their eyes and the smile on their face vanished instantly as if their mind were blank.

Bitch : They'd just pretend they din't see you there and hope you wont notice and when you decide to greet her she'd just say 'Oh hey dint see you there (smile)' and that’s it!

When they want something from you

Bimbo : " I soooo want that for my birthay, can you please pretty please get it for me?"

Bitch : " I want THAT for my birthay!"

If you asked them if they like you and they do;

Bimbo: "Of cors I like you, why would you think I dint… tsk silly?"

Bitch: "What kind of a stupid question is that?!"

If they don’t;

Bimbo: "errm of cors hehehe"

Bitch: "Not Really, coz you annoy me!"

If you bring them for dinner and ask where to go or what she wants to eat;

Bimbo: "I donno you decide, wherever you want, but I'm craving for McDonalds actually… do you mind?"

Bitch: "Are you taking me to dinner or not, why the questions?"

If it’s a big deal

Bimbo: "Like dhuh everything is a big deal okey AS IF!"

Bitch: "I just don’t give a damn oryt!"

If they needed some space;

Bimbo: "I need sometime on my own for now, I just have so much to think about, first its studies, my mom wont be home this week, my tutor sucks, I don’t have much cash to get that outfit I sooo wanted and now you… everything is just so messed up.. I hate my life and nobody seems to understand me.. I don’t know why?!"

Bitch: "Just leave me alone ok, don’t you have a life?"

If they are disgusted;

Bimbo: "Eww"

Bitch: "Eurgh"

When they're sad;

Bimbo: "I'm so sad I need a hug :("

Bitch: " m sad, Screw u!!"

They usually say;

Bimbo: "O.M.G"

Bitch: "Gawd!"

Can you judge them? You shudn't every female is a bimbo or a bitch naturally. Its not wrong we're just born that way. But how they over do it is just perhaps based on their personalities and also their social surroundings. Its very much contagious and spreads to your system if you're not careful.

Why bimbos are?

They wanted to be this goody-goody girls, being all polite and pretty. They are mostly found to be very vain and over. So eventhough they'r being mean they try to seem feminine as much as they can. They don’t show their true identity but they express their emotions so much they can make a drama. They are mostly naughty decent girls who likes attention 'Lyk Ohh-MY-GOD" but overall nice girls to date :) if they don’t like you, they would still smile and pretend to be nice around you but talk shit behind your back coz they'r girly remember, they don’t want to get into a fight coz that just makes them ugly. This is perhaps because they don’t want to ruin their social networks and stil being wanted and accepted. When in love, they want the whole world to know. Public display of affection is a must. Love hearts, hugs and kisses xoxo.. Well what do you expect? Bimbo!

Why bitches are?

These are problematic female who is full of anger. They just say like they see it or what they feel is rite even though its wrong. They don’t care! Mostly giving statements rather than questions. Statements that they feel the need to be told. If they don’t like you don’t worry they make it obvious. They don’t care if you don’t want to be friends with them coz they don’t need to be. They don’t make friends much cause they think the world is full of posers. They are hated but respected for their boldness. Not much of a romantic deal, when they fall in love they like to keep it discreet coz they don’t like public display of affections. No one needs to know her personal life. Straightforward bitches!

BeeChiYka

Hapee Neww Yrrr 2012

A day to shift

I chose Broken

Gravity~

Less Dramatic

AAaahhh its December

Have a KitKat

Jagged Lil Pill

Its the Sunday of ma Holiday

Here it is Again

A new Route

Sleepyy

Roles to play

Its Final... Finally :)

Life's Traffic

Teenage Dream

Reshuffling Mode

Purple Butterfly

Trying to be me

Back to the past

I clicked!

This got me teary... *sob sob*

When your burp smells of orange~

Those who mind don't matter!

M Sorry

Losing the Romance

Life's Circuit

Working Blissfully :)

2011 so far

Puff Puff

I only see u in dreams~

Tmorow Nver Dies

Nite with the breeze~

Blissfully :)

Sinaut kursus Asas Keusahawanan 2010

Agendas

Enthused!

F.I.N.E

HOLD ON!!!! !#$$#^##$!#%$^$^&%^$

Beechin Tym

Morning Ticks

Exit

Strawberry Puff~

The ME

i wanna shout!

Whistling

Hmmm

Like a balloon

Pointing At!

Sigh* m grateful stil

Secret To End Report

Darn Flu

Waking Up with The Moon

Hakuna Matata

Thankz Sweetie for the dayz :)

NEW yeaR 2010

Banned for life!

Its 21st December 2009

Beaching at Muara

It's a new year old

Dreaming while it rains

Aaahhh Uuuhh Aaahh

On & on

Back again! hehe lalala~

Random shots with the phone cam

The sweet nieces

Bimbos and Bitches

This got me teary... sob sob