If u only knew

Sunday, September 29, 2013 at Sunday, September 29, 2013

It always started with this.... sad sad introduction or sumtyms the beginning was beautiful n awesome but in the end one cant expect a happy ending..

I knew this is real... what i used to haf before was something out of the ordinary it was too good to be true... indeed it was... nonetheless i ate it up n kept on eating... n now all i can do is puke it out yet there is ntg left just air... coz its empty inside... it wasnt even real.. doesnt haf any meaning at all!

The worse part of it all is... i knew this wud be all along... i wasnt even naive.. i knew it obviously but i just told myself to brave it thru n take a leap... jump... n of cors ther isnt anyone to catch me....

So i fell down to my doom~

So?!

Saturday, July 06, 2013 at Saturday, July 06, 2013
I feel like screaming out loud... but no matter how hard i try... m never understood!

Undeniably Real

at Saturday, July 06, 2013
I used to fantasize how it would be after.... just like the fairytale i loved so much... 

The little Mermaid... who sacrificed herself to be with her beloved prince and everyone knew the real version of it... she died of a broken heart...

So what's my story... what's my fairytale?

It's kinda funny n i can't help giggling to myself as if it is a joke or perhaps a comic but i find life to be as such... funny and comical in a way if you could turn it into one i bet everyone would  laugh about it too :)

But as much as i wanted it to be just a comical adventure... it is... undeniably.. REAL!

The lives of people around me, shown and unseen, obvious or pretentious... it is real.. n it's like diving into a pool of ice... piercing chills and brain freeze you thought you knew but unexpectedly cruel..

You thought your choices were smart, you thought you wouldn't regret it... surprise surprise.... it dint turn out to be what you expected. So what can you do?

I find myself reluctant to tell.. as if i lost the key and let myself shut when i locked the door before promising myself not to come back here but I couldn't... 

Wiser but still a fool....

Love... blinds everything... like euphoria... you twirl around in a daze unable to stop n tumbled down hard loosing control of yourself... love it was real and wonderful but with it the thorns that pricks you everywhere it dint matter before but after you stop spinning around... you found yourself bleeding whole and the scars remains and all you can do is hide them well.... not able to tell... ashamed to admit... you have been a fool who fell and lost it all.

You told yourself, what did i get myself into? And the answer is... you chose.. you decided... you knew... or perhaps you denied the truth, and you get what you wanted... so is it worthed?

Young and stubborn, I stomped hard, i scream n shout as hard as i could.... i reasoned, i begged, i apologized, i left and came back... it was all just the same for me... because i was who i was... and there i stayed in a maze unable to pull myself out...

So i knew the choice i made, to finally escape from my own doing... to change my path not in  the maze but forward and live my life with the one who danced with me and got me spinning around uncontrollably.... 

Yes, it is worth it... I learn as i got older, perhaps a little wiser but still clueless as ever... forever learning from the past to build my present so i could change my future....

He wasn't the man I knew, he wasn't the man who made me laugh so hard, he wasn't the man I loved... but he is the man who turned my life upside down, made a mess and tore everything off my walls and paint it gray, switched off my blaring stereo and kept it silent without a sound.... blank... empty... gone...

He changed my life so much that even if i wanted to i couldn't even scream out loud anymore.... but with that, this.... made me realized... my life was a mess, trashy and unnecessary... it clears up a space that i eventually can fill but up until now i don't know how.... so i started to paint my walls pink... rosy... hoping to be the little miss innocent me again...

I wanted to start off fresh, but i couldn't... i couldn't come up with any originality to spell my name correctly... it's just isn't Yennish at all..

I couldn't give it all up... so i thought why not improvise... a little bit of this and that.... :)

I often ask myself, that question from time after time whenever i get frustrated... the same question over and over again.. "What did i get myself into?"

N i figured it out just now on my way for an outing with an old friend.... 


Would things be much better if i chose the other blue door instead of the gray one?

Can i see myself being happy if i did?

The answer is simple... there was a reason why i shut the blue door, i remember it well eventhough i denied it all this years I knew I din't wanted to live my life there... instead i went the opposite way wanting a different view, perhaps it could do me good and that was the choice i made...

N god works in mysterious ways, by fate i am here now half sleeping half awake... but i knew that god will always lead you right to where you belong and not astray only if you believe and accept your destiny wherever it may be, whomever would be beside you holding your hand.... truly believe that it is godsend and be grateful for it...

Back and Forth

at Saturday, July 06, 2013
Aah the sound of that familiar symphony my forever anthem never forgotten yet lost in a vacuum, retrievable yet unsung... 

I've been gone, back and forth... here... there... somewhere... unspoken yet it keeps on haunting back and again it calls... not able to return... if it could be understood... i lay down this shade and let it be known...

Going back through this pages, I remind myself who i was before... before i left, before it ended before it began... I left to disappear and emerge a new ME!

I am well, but not the same. Who could understand whats goin on inside this world of mine... twisted and scrambled into a collage of memories... not yet forgotten and not yet fully forgiven... but i try... with all my might... i tried!

Words come so easy to me, like a song composed with so much melancholy turned into a lifelong addiction and art... once i became who i am now... it slowly fades away as if it was never born... as if I was never was... again... here i am trying to make it the same but appears to be different n strange.

I envy who i was before, never afraid to speak my mind... although it may appear i was angry n depress most of the time but i say what was true from my belief... others may find it disturbing but i am only saying n judge as you may... i never cared n that's the beauty of it...

A sigh of relief.... after years of hiding in shadows when it haunted me most of my life i have become them n hid within... why?

I thought it's worth the change, to become who i despise, a hypocrite, a fake... a puppet to play with without any will to fight back and i danced on that stage pretending to be who i could never be... i hated it!

This is my attempt to regain myself, not exactly my past, not entirely my present and not expecting too much of my future.... hoping i could blend it all into one masterpiece... a perfect mixture of myself... back.. forth.. here and there.... all in one... forever,

YOURS TRULY.....ME!


It Was My Birthday

Wednesday, December 19, 2012 at Wednesday, December 19, 2012
14 December 2012..... Marks my 29th year being alive... Grateful for the love n pain i've lived thru.. The experiences, my childhood... Memories cherished locked in a big box... By now... Old friends have already become strangerz... N ges what?! It happens and there's nothing i can do about it anymore... Its inevitable! N its OK :)

The part i am anticipating more this month is the end of it... And the end of the month brings a new year ahead.... Its not the new year but the fact that our attachment days here at RTB will be over soon.... Awesome!





What The World Needs Now~

Friday, November 09, 2012 at Friday, November 09, 2012
Lonely nites, silence and the cool breeze swaying it's charisma in tune alongside the starry sky… its soothing and calm…

Listening to Burt Bacarach 'What the World Needs now' taking me back to 12 years ago when it used to be simple and easy breezy.. Just laughing out loud with the gang with no worries in the world as if it would never end… fantastic :)

When I got the chance to meet them, when we casually exchange latest updates, jokes and reminisced the old good days, it honestly felt like the years haven't gone by… priceless moments that we cherished and that's when we realised that only true good friends can do that… apparently for most we got awkward and uneasy when we bumped into each other once more after all these years… things changed and it's too obvious that we don't share anything in common anymore… sad but true we have become strangers…

Perhaps we knew the things we did, the past mistakes that we haven't fully forgiven or let go yet…. And this are the reasons we hold grudges towards each other… eventhough it's been years not realizing it but we haven't fully recovered from it…. Honestly some things are just not meant to be forgotten…. And what I discovered is, the only way we could let it go and forget is to simply forgive… but how simple is that? Tsk!

It's common to say 'Hey lets hangout sometimes and get together to update just like the old days' but yet we know that it is just a cliché we would say just for the sake of being polite but we don't actually mean it cause we don't really want the old days… we left the dance floor ages ago for a reason… we ol got tired of it and we ol knew that we needed to grow up eventually… and we did!

Complications after another we ol have gone through it whether we want to or not we had it coming and after gone through it, it was bearable afterall… painful but necessary but we went through it and we are fine…

Would I want to go back and experience it ol over again? Nope! Once is enough and I learnt that when I used to say that my friends are my family… I was wrong… they don't and won't stay with you forever… well some or a few would, but not all… and then I realized that those many friends the cool ones, the happening ones, will easily ditch you like tossing a paper into a bin… that easy! Eventhough we shared, been through so much it din't matter… once you're expired… you are no longer needed and that's a FACT!

No matter… I will still remember you… just like this song ost of 'My Bestfriend's Wedding- I say a little prayer for you' :)

Although time got us apart, although time haven't healed the hurt and pain caused in between us, although time changes us to strangers when we used to know the good and bad we live through, although we used to say we would always stay good friends, although we promised things will stay the same… for what its worth I cherished thee, I appreciate having you all in my life, I thank you for being apart of my once upon a time, I shall try to forgive the wrongs and I wish you would do the same for me too… coz once before in time we used to be close, we used to share, we used to promise each other…. We were good friends :) and that's what matters most…. 'Love Sweet Love'… that's what the world needs now~

Saranghamnida

Wednesday, October 24, 2012 at Wednesday, October 24, 2012
S'tyms I wish that life is as beautiful as the music n lyrics in korean songs... the sync of each melody sends you daydreaming and wondering 'Can life be as soothing and charismatic?'

Aaaah~ I know its not fair to have compared it with reality... reality plays a different tune... hard to dance to somewhat like jazz. haha... its a melody hard to interpret... but its full of life just everything all at once and everywhere but when u listen carefully its jazzy haha makes u wanna tap ur feet..

Without realisin it, most of the time i find myself missing that free sky and the purely clean puffy white clouds... even the feel of it as it touches my hand... wet and refreshing... up high where all troubles melt like lemondrops... sigh... i also miss the strawberry sky at dusk, while the sun is setting dipping itself into the vast ocean as if its taking a refreshing bathe and waking up on the other side of the world to greet a happy glee day ahead... and as its absence the moon enchants us with its bloom with her loyal companions dancing around and lights the night sky.... i missed it... n i missed you!

I always wondered if you can truly forget those who were once so dear to you.... like can we truly move on and erased them completely from our minds as if they have never existed before?

As if there was never any kind of emotion stirred, no hopes and dreams shared, no tears shed, no love or hate.... is it possible?

Well honestly for me, they stayed... never forgotten... amazingly they even managed to tickle me everyday... not every second of the day everyday but yes Everyday... i think of you owes!

But i do admit that there are those lost in memory... sometimes i don't even remember them not until you accidentally saw or read about them somewhere... sometimes the sudden poke or friends add on facebook jolted my memory... 'Siapa ni ah?" i barely remember the name... that's how bad...

but somehow i don't know, this few bunch just stubbornly permanently resides in my memory... non volatile! hahahaha

I don't know if they'd think of me too, perhaps i am one of those just lost in their memory.. burned n forgotten... perhaps.... 

I wish i could just hang on to them until now... i wish we could always stay close just like old times.... it was so special that it could never be replaced.... sigh* i never regretted it... i walk that walk... i made that promise... i said what i needed to say.. i did what i had to do... i hope that i was understood.... 

 


Lemon Wine!

Friday, October 12, 2012 at Friday, October 12, 2012
The smell of lemon aroma lifted my spirit to sit here on my bed with my new sexy dark violety 'wine' bedsheet i just bought few hours ago and open my long forgotten blog i've missed so dearly... i feel relief!

Today i woke up feeling great... i planned my day, things to do and things to get... did my chores and went out to buy whatever it is i feel needed... 

At first i fear that the loneliness is going to get me... but then i said to myself.... i've always been alone... i've always managed up until now... so why not make full use of it.. i get to do my stuff... uninterrupted... at ease!

Its great!

With the music on, no TV... my own privacy... its great! hehehe

i know i keep on saying that its great... but honestly i feel greaT! it feels great! its GREAT!

Its starting to kick in, i can't wait for things to get more interesting in my life... i knew i shud've done this a long time ago... give myself a break from all the negativities that does nothing but sucks the life out of me n yet left me feeling hollow... empty and ridiculously devalued! 

i knew i needed to be strong.. i knew i needed to move on... live my life as how i shud live it... just like before... Be Myself n love thyself...

There wasn't much of an argue with my mind before.. i always knew what i wanted.. yes the confusions that lurks once in awhile whenever i doubted my confidence but i owes knew what where m heading...

for now its great... hope it stays great... so will paint this greatness again soon...

mwahz oxxo

Meow Meow

Sunday, March 18, 2012 at Sunday, March 18, 2012
Updates,

Just had microprocessor and ComElectronic PhaseTest1 and before that the much confusing and frustrating EEP PT1 was done as well... n soon the much anticipated ComSystem Test is coming... sigh* the life of ITB...constant pressure indeed!

Anyways... whatsap with me... nothing much except that i have a new cute adorable tiny kitty named Yuri san hehe... she's a Domestic Long Hair actually we got her for Koji's playmate but since she's only 1mnths old we tot better to wait till she's big enuf to be playing wif koji for safety reasons...

There was a motivational talk yesterday at school given by a very experience MOE officer... and it was very inspiring... it got me thinking about what i've been doing... the questions i kept on asking myself and ppl owes said i think too much about it... 

Where will i go after this? that is the question i kept on asking myself all the time... what then after ITB? where will i go, what will i do?

N that was exactly what the motivator suggested us to ponder on... n he said those who actually took the time to ask themselves those questions are infact intelligent people... becoz we want to be certain of what we want in life n get things in line... so we can prepare ourselves better... there's a goal and we can be focus towards our goals...

N i cudn't agree more... i've been living most of my life without any direction... although alhamdulillah i am slowly back on track but only to get side-track again afterwards... so how did that happened?

Indeed it is from not knowing what i wanted at the first place... when before i am confident with what i want but somehow it was just not my time yet... so here i am about to finish the crossline on the marathon with thousands others and wondering where am i heading next once i get to the finishline...

I need to be more open-minded, and goal oriented, be more optimistic and learn more... 




A good thing also is, Yuri seems to calm me down with her silly charms and she also wakes me up every morning... hehe....

So far that's that... will update again soon :)

 

My lil Yumee San

Monday, March 12, 2012 at Monday, March 12, 2012
Yumee San... meoww~

An update from last week... 

After the test, back to the chill mode, but there's still Microprocessor Lab Test coming next week that also needs equal amount of serious attention.. weseeh~

 

MARCHin on to the songs!

Friday, March 09, 2012 at Friday, March 09, 2012
Taken at Tamu Selera Brunei Darussalam 
©
beechiyka
Yet another month passes by swoooshly... n so many things unfold but so little told... well here goes my updates...

I just got thru two semester tests few days ago and honestly i am constantly fighting with my mind to just accept that i did what i could to score good marks... hey i studied ok! but then somehow i can't ease off this back-chills i get everytime i think about the testpapers... it was so unexpected... of cors!

Been missing lotsa Exeez which i'll compensate soon after the examweek's over... insyaallah!

Anyways so far that's daily life's turbulence, hows life's dilemmas?

Well, still having those frequent anxieties, still going thru puberty with the zitty-zits popping here and there and still learning to live life in the vast silenthill where the music only tunes in to the FM's lowest frequency and the usual TV lockdown i just love to miss... gawd please!

Relationships' drama are lessen n more understanding was seen to have developed in between the silly arguments we couples can't live without but i guess it's only because it's natural and it's essential for growth... ryt?! * blinkin*winkin*noddin :p

Also my effort to learn to stop n quit whining... seriously mastering this self control ain't easy...

Ok... on to the serious stuff...

I was recently engaged to a quite deep conversation regarding religion which at first started from a simple question asked by my new young-fellow-student-friend who are religiously devoted.. alhamdullilah!

The question asked was,

"What do you think about those people who were born with abnormalities or people who are born sick and just unfortunate?" 

so i casually asked "what about them?"

He said "Well don't you ever wonder why god created them as such?"

The conversation was perhaps effected by the slideshows we were presented during ugama class which was in session that time... the slideshow was about 'Sifat-sifat Allah SWT'

So i wondered and replied "What is there to wonder, god creates as god wishes, jika Allah berkehendak maka ia menghendakinya, therefore why do we need to ask WHY?"

I believe that all things happens for good reason may it be from a bad beginning or even when it leads to a bad one... because the good and bad are in fact inseparable from each other.. so i think when we judge a person to be unfortunate perhaps God created em different so that they can become unique and special amongst the rest...

"Boleh jadi kamu mencintai sesuatu padahal itu amat buruk bagimu, dan boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal itu amat baik bagimu. Kamu tidak mengetahui sedangkan Allah Maha Mengetahui"

The conversation goes more deeper afterwards but i won't blog about it as i think it maybe too sensitive to be elaborated as it was during my recent conversation, because after that he got pretty troubled (i wasn't sure whether it was because of something i said!).

He later felt the need to express his concern to our Ustazah and eventually took most of our time waiting outside the Ustazah's staffroom for our turn to take the recitation of 'Doa Selamat' test some of us had been pending to do. He was emotionally shaken by the idea and i felt kinda guilty thinking that it mite be effected by my response to him earlier... hmm... i guess my expression was too obviously killing for him... :[

Overall my opinion is... it is a very noble thing to approach people and share your thoughts with them, but when it is a sensitive issues that regards their flaws and behaviors i think it is never an easy thing to do...

You can't just simply point out that what others are doing are wrong from your point of view, because seriously WHO ARE you to JUDGE? What makes u think that u are better than the rest just because u believe so?

Indeed we witness people's indiscretion and their selfish  act that may not make sense to us, why they do what they do when we know that it is wrong to do so.... it may also make us uncomfortable and it bothers us... so his concern was 'What can he do about it?'

We can gently and kindly express our concerns to those in question but that is all we can do not until the person decided that they actually give a damn about OUR concern or not. Orelse we'd be wasting our time bothering about them aren't we not?

Therefore for me, if you think it is highly necessary to advise someone because you think you are ryt and they are wrong then go ahead SPEAK your mind off! but if i think it's one of those 'pointless endeavors' i mite just sit back and let them trip and learn their own lesson rather than being the wise one they'd ol hate coz 'i told u so!'

So the moral of the story is... we may think we are responsible for the worlds' increasing problems and dilemma and feel that the burden is too heavy to lift and let this idea weigh us down to the ground but perhaps there's a reason why we need to always remember that,

'There is a GOD watching over us, there is a GOD that wants, there is a GOD that holds the universe and guides its wisdoms and problems, when we are just part of all that and seem so small in comparison, therefore why do we feel the need to be burden by it?..... it is not our concern to ask the questions and JUDGE others because we are all equally imperfect in nature... so all we can do for now in LIFE is just learn to live in perfect harmony, take care of YOURSELF and help others that WANTS to be helped and let the ones who are helpless be GODs play.... we are dealt as we deserve it may it be good or bad!'

Insyaallah smoga kita sentiasa beringat-ingat dan saling mengingat-ingati~ amin



Anoda day

Friday, March 02, 2012 at Friday, March 02, 2012
Been having severe fatigue lately.. Its my holiday n i have been spending my morning in dreamland somehow i just feel lyk lazing tiresome!

I've also been checking out d aerobic scenes at srusop n qlap for d past 2days.. Two different fitness studios but d same aero genre.. House dangdut which dsn't rely flow well wif me but it did get me sweating buckets n dats d whole point!

It wasnt any surprise dat i quickly became close wif d qlap instructor last nyt, she was an indonesian gal who was sweet n tough. She shared 'curhat' wif me n it felt nice to be having a deep long conversation for a change :)

What i was scouting for is a zumba aerobics around d district n only found 1 studio dat really offers certified classes. I thought of checking in out but still need more encouragement, somehow i'm kinda intimidated still by d whole idea hahaa.. Funny how i needed to boost my self esteem by joining aerobic classes but first i needed to boost my self-esteem to join d classes hahaha... Talk about having low self-esteem below avrg.. Mg gawd!

So i tink i'll need to get myself some gud ol smacking to get my ass to zumba soon orelse i'll jst hf2 endure n enjoy more of d house dangdut rhythm for d tym being hehehe...

Also been forcing myself to play a game of revise EEP which only got me focus for few mins n then i need to take several breaks b4 i can start again... Gawd! Its a challenge!!

Its exam week once skul reopens nxt week, hence d need of revising more than letting myself succumb to d annoying fatigue feeling n d boredom of calculating current n voltages across impedences in series or sometimes in parallel... Sigh* well if u want to get to d top u'll hf2 struggle n work hard n push urself to d limit coz no matter how hard it is, d top is within reach n u can only carry urself ther on ur own!!

Ayt back to kirchoffs law ;)

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Hapee Neww Yrrr 2012

Tuesday, January 03, 2012 at Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Happee Neww Yearrr!! May this year be the most awesomely fabulous one and more to come... More funNEss Amin!!

I just got back from the trip to KK with the DEC clans n my beloved.. we had the ol great times so much..

Been listening to Bella Luna on repeat for the past 2days.. i guess i just want to be reminded of the particular feeling when it used to be the Bella Luna... sigh* n i intend to be again...

I just wish to find myself this year... dont want to be grounded anymore... i need to stop evolving around the world where i don't realy matter n where i don't realy belong... my world used to be filled with laughter and full of colours with the tribal drums playing on background... being spontaneous and just carefree.. i refuse to be i constant depressing situations n just live my life as how i shud be living it...

i want to see ol frens more often n be free of doubts.... be more optimistic!!

The trip at KK gave me the taste of how it used to be.. how i used to be well not entirely but just a bit of the essence... n i was reminded how much i was fun n how it was... i really missed it so much!

So this year insyallah... we'll see where i am heading... hope ol is great n fabulous Amin!!

A day to shift

Sunday, December 11, 2011 at Sunday, December 11, 2011
Today... i awoke feeling light... last nite was the storm.. yesterday was the war... but today... i dance under the rain on my feet touched the ground with my hands up high, praising the mighty lord for this conscience that hits every now and then...

Just like a sweet song that serenades me, it gives a meaning like its my own...

I know that i carry around a big sack of regrets around my shoulder, it is more heavier by the years coz i keep on filling it in with more weighs of blame, shame and never-ending disappointments deep within my soul... its fatal!

I let myself justify every single bit of insanity that doesn't need to be doubted nor acknowledged... but i wanted it... i needed it to keep myself occupied coz i cudn't stand the boredom that kills.... just being normal is never been what i intended to become...

This voice that appears, gives conscience and words of wisdom... but never ending challenges when u live with a big bomb of constant disappointment and no understanding... so forgive me for being off momentum every now and then...

for now.. m shifting the day... m shifting within... m shufflin :)


I chose Broken

Saturday, December 10, 2011 at Saturday, December 10, 2011
Its ironic how i like so many things but i end up with ol d wrong things.. No matter how persuaded or assured i'd still get d wrong ones just bcoz it looked interesting from a perspective... So yes i chose 'broken' instead.. Bought it... N now i hf2 live with it!!!!

Thers no1 else to blame other than myself.. M i happy? No!! But m content with wat i chose.. I jst gotta sux it up n held my head high... It's horrible! I feel so much suffering.. Bearable but it hurts all d tym...

Yes perhaps we ol can just laugh at it now.. Ironically how wat i did changed d course of others lives.. Wher they found themselves lucky to hf found their significance instead n mnaged to sing songs of joy together n karma hits me bad in return..

I miss u.. I miss u.. Ur my gravity.. Never in a day i go without thinkin of u.. I know it ur doin fine.. I know ur doin great in fact.. I applaud u for ur courage n strength.. I hf no doubt dat u'll shine n do grand... But know dat i miss u.. I miss u so much.. My regrets was not able to hold on to u.. Coz i was ryt bfore n she was ryt too.... I'll nver find any1 else who cud replace u~ BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

Gravity~

Thursday, December 08, 2011 at Thursday, December 08, 2011
Gravity~



I love this song... it reminds me so much of the once upon a tym... it tells the story so much.... yes something always bring me back to you...

Missing those days, when our system is filled with the love hormones... it feels just like a fantasy when everything feels so ryt n so wrong at the same time... undeniable, couldn't even explain it... it just feel so strong.... n i missed it so much...


Less Dramatic

at Thursday, December 08, 2011
I've been wondering where did the charisma go? i felt that writing with expression is one of my difficulties when in fact it was one of my strength before.... so what happened?

As i was driving alone with the stereo on... singing along to my ol fave tracks... i was making myself act along the song, to elaborate and demonstrate the meaning of the song just to be silly again... n it hit me... the reason why there's no charisma left, nor enthusiasm in my life now is because, everything has become normal and well i 'BORING'... just like what FidoDido famous quote "Normal is Boring!"

When life lacks its dramatic ambiance it also looses its essence, its like a recipe with no seasoning... there's something, edible yes... but just plain bland~

The voice that couldn't be heard, the thoughts that were not presented but just kept inside unknown....

Its always been the same story, the same thing everyday, no spice, no music, no aroma... and eventually you get use to it... silence.... just feeling content with urself... letting it all become just THAT and accepting that yes this is it... JUST FINE!!

Maybe someday, maybe just someday... i'll find my groove back... my voice back, my schweng back.. for now... M JUST FINE! tududududu~

AAaahhh its December

Sunday, December 04, 2011 at Sunday, December 04, 2011
Its December 2011 can you believe it!

Exam is done and its almost the end of the year and yes its my bday soon as well hehehe....

Am i excited? well kinda, not the fact that i'm getting older but just the fact that its going to be a new year again... and also knowing that i've been here for quiet sometime now...

Hmm... m called for dinner... ayt gotta go then... to be elaborate further later on... :)

Have a KitKat

Saturday, November 12, 2011 at Saturday, November 12, 2011
Have a Break, Have a kitKAt! hehe

I needed the break somehow...its SatNyt and here i am on my bed, with my laptop listening to 'Aria' bach while the neighbor next door is having a blast with their party music... 'THERE'S A PARTY!!' n i am sadly not invited.... hmmm... hehehe

I just had this thought while tryna figure out how to finish my many skulwork just now... 'Wow things have changed so much that, somehow here i am on a SatNyt with my skulWork and ther's a party next door n i am not even invited... n all i hear is youngsters screaming having a great time it seems.... hahaha... my god... i have never been so assured that 'THAT Ship has definitely sailed'.... haahhaha

N another assurance of how i've changed so far... i am in bed... listening to 'Aria-Bach' in an attempt to drown the blaring crazy loudness of the tempting dance music that (m not gonna deny it) does make my feet thumping to the beat... eurrghh!! i Miss it so much!!

MY god! the beat makes me wanna go dance in circles aaahh.. those were the days... damnitz... hahha... owell!!

Now i just needed to focus on studies.. yes... i needed to accept the fact that... i have entered adulthood n left irresponsible playful era of my life... n I've transit to this, well quite dull lonesome environment....but this is life's necessary cycle... once i get thru this... i'll party hard in an adult way hahaha... which is much more gratifying coz seriously... i can do whatever i wanna do but in a serious responsible way... hahaha doesn't really sound that fun hahha... well that's a fact!

On a different matter.... hmm... nothing much... other than.. i've only got 2 trustful fren in skul but seems like he's on the verge of giving up on skul... which kinda gets me down mood.... well... its really challenging when u don't have any frens in skul.. u need them for reference n ol... as well as to be in a team.. or else seriously ur LOST!

Owell... no matter.... if this is the circumstances... then i'll just have to work with whatever i got.... which is myself, my optimism, my talent, my brain, my self-confidence and my time... insyallah... i'll cu ol at the finish line... definitely with flying colours... amin!!

Ayt need to go crack my head with the books now... first with a fag! hehhe

Its the Sunday of ma Holiday

Sunday, September 25, 2011 at Sunday, September 25, 2011
Well here it comes, finally.. the end of my one week school holiday... so far how much did i benefit from the holiday.... well lets just say i made so much dreaamss... hahaha

tidorrghh ja dot!

And of cors the official heartbreak series that comes along every now and then... eurgh!!

So far... i've been resting... not much revising... unfortunately... n as usual... the hardcore headcracking starts tonite..... hahaha... kids don't try this at home :p

My head is filled with lots of unnecessary information i've collected.. and somehow i'm starting to remember things... and this is what mostly distracts me... annoying really... mcm apa... tidur pun ingatkan a scene from 'Catch me if u can!" aduuuh.... for what reason or why... i have no idea....

ryt now what i should be recalling is the lessons i learnt in classes... hmm... how how do i concentrate and bring that out on my head projector?

concentrate yen concentrate.... puuuuuuut~

I also find myself wondering alot.... hahah tell me something new... but this time its confusing... more like huh???!! like empty pondering... like i'm in a constant daze...

Seriously i am in need of desperate human interaction pronto... mesti mesti slalu ni... kepisan udah ni.... i haven't been socializing much n i am starting to behave like a zombie.... waaarrghh!! brainless zombie waaargghh!! who doesn't even know how to carry on decent conversation waaarrghh!! who doesn't know where zimbabwe is located waaarrghh... who doesn't even know how to spell peace ryt waarrghh!! such a moron!

I got myself a new glasses... heheh it has its vintage classy look as how i like it... yellow tetro flowery pattern... definitely chic hehehe... love love it!!

I've been having double visions lately, especially in class.. its annoying really... but apparently my sight is still perfectly fine heheh alhamdulillah :)

Anyways... Its Sunday... n tomorrow back to school... m kinda excited somehow n nervous at the same time.... but confident sja tah yen ahh wawawa.. hidup mesti confident yg terbaik... yes yes yes!!

Insyaallah... all is well :) amin~


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